when thoughts arrive...

New lyrics

2007-06-05T12:23:00.000-07:00

This one is one of my newest songs, I don't have a final line yet but the music is finished.

" 'Never', can always take on life
When we never let anything go.
Grasping to ideals of our fantasies
Watching and waiting
Ignoring our complacencies

'Today', can creep up on us all,
When we always look inside.
Laughing and crying,
Hatred and love
We can't escape from
The One who is above.

Is yesterday what I think it was?
Did I stay in the dream because
I didn't want to, didn't want to, didn't want to
Let it go, for
Who I am?
Who I am now?

Find me, oh Lord find me now.
Take me far, far away from here.
Count all my failures
Count them success

"

That gap is where the final line will be. I wil post it when it's done.
Until next time.

Whirlwind.

2007-05-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

So begins a new world and adjustment within. I still have to fight my laziness and desire to do nothing. I almost feel guilty about not doing much, though i do NOT want to go back. I also still don't know if this is what God wants me to do, I just feel like if I don't do something I will die an old man who has bagged 1,000,000 bags of groceries and said the words "paper" and "plastic" just as many times.
Having spent some time with someone from the music industry, today I can see my limitations and weaknesses in talent. Though he does say I can do it if I stick with it. My voice is my biggest weakness right now, that I will work on. I don't want to talk about my future too much 'cause it always seems to not happen the more I talk about whatever it is. But for the fall I still am not sure about where to go. PLease Pray for me there.
I fight nervousness pretty consciously and never really pray about it too much....a mistake, I know. I have to keep my head clear or I just sit and do nothing pretty regularly. I am scared. I am determined. I am not sure except that I'm sure I'm doing it. What a whirlwind!

Allo allo.

2007-05-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

I have not totally abandoned my blog, just have not felt like blogging. Some things have cahnged in my life. I have decided to quit my job May 11. I will probably do part time jobs for the catering department. An maybe work a little at the Vinyard I used to work at too.
My idea is to spend the summer working on my music, playing coffee houses and such and playing drums in a band too. Then in the fall do some education thing, do'nt quite know what yet but hopefully musical oriented.
God willing this will happen, if not I'm sure you will hear about it. I do tend to whine a bit.

myshame.com

2007-03-13T15:24:00.000-07:00

well I guess I have to admit it sometime. I now have a myspace. Yup, I caved in. "thebantaman" is my site.
Perhaps my reasons aren't all that shallow. I saw a lot of old classmates at a recent reunion of a ska band that we went to high school with. They were pretty big in the region and did a benefit reunion to help pay for the hospital bills of a guy we were all friends with.
It was AWESOME!!! So, many of the old "schoolers" have myspaces and wanted to keep in touch. Also I want to stay up to date as to what happens with some of the kids in our youth group. "Flashpoint" is the name of our youth group. So there you have it, another statistic.

Chin up.

2007-03-04T15:15:00.000-08:00

I sometimes regret leaving such a bummer of a post as my last one for a while. I'm not always so blue, I just use the blog as a vent sometimes.

Born in the USA

2007-02-19T20:19:00.000-08:00

I originally wondered who had the final say whether something was a high calling or important. The people who look at the job from the outside or the people doing the job? The whole celebrity phenomenom is something I've thought about for a while. The idea that someone or something is great or extraordinary seems to be almost completely subjective. I have befriended a few "famous"people over the past few years and have discovered the fame thing to be very amusing. They are the friends I know and they either have worked with or arefabulous musicians. They are nice guys and very enjoyable to be around. But to me they are just guys who have been in the right place at the right time and or happen to be very talented.

To see how people act around them is hilarious, because they just fumble or get red or talk to them as if they are superheroes. They themselves might not be so siked about what they do, or at least not as much as their fans are. So it begs the question, who decides what value something is? The people who look at the job or the people doing the job? I have played music very poorly and had people compliment me or say it was great. Who was right? Me or the listener. I know that if they were "impressed" then I was "effective", but is what they heard actually good?

So if the jobs I have done or do are percieved as good/important yet I don't feel they are, at what point do I decide or conceed?

I truly do understand where the writer of Ecc. was coming from. He was depressed/distressed/disillusioned. And so am I.

hhhhhhhhhhhh I don't mean to offend, just complain

2007-02-15T14:40:00.000-08:00

That last post was a frustrated sigh. An exhale of thoughts and dreams with a little chuckle at the end. Mabey it was a laugh at myself. Maybe it was glance of "are you sure, man ?" at myself. I'm not sure. But really it was that I try to post photos and I get so pissed when it doesn't work then I give up.
I wish I could know what to do. Everything I think I want to do in life or actually try for a while, eventually I always end not seeing the point of even trying to do it. Like, any job, except for performing music (because I get almost no greater thrill in this life) I project myself doing, I can always see myself getting tired of it. EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! So why does anybody do anything??? We work just to have money to live. And that job, aside from doctors and farmers, just seems so pointless. Even popular jobs that seem cool or important but all you ever do is just: design websites, crunch numbers(accountants,tellers, stock brokers), serve people(any customer service), argue for or against someone in court (lawyers), tell people things that were told to you (teachers), build things (construction), design things. All of those things seem so pointless, it's like endless and I would get so bored. And it's like WHAT'S THE POINT? Is that all there is in life???? Is that the only thing we have to look forward to is work???? We do our job and then what? We do our job again.
I know that wasn't an exhaustive list of jobs but really, anything can get there if I think it through to conclusion. Am I the only one who thinks like this? Am I crazy? Does anyone else see the almost pointlessness of life? It's like one big cosmic joke that man has played on itself! Perhaps I am just seeing the Curse clearly now. But whatever the case I just have lost all my sense of purpose and use. I make music, thats all I consistently enjoy, but I don't always feel like doing THAT.
I have lost my steam in learning French. I have a test tommorrow and I haven't looked at my books for two weeks. I am a fucking idiot. Well I always was a bad homework doer. I only ever did as much to squeek by, never more, never "to my potential"!! There really is no heavier burden to carry then the knowledge that I could do so much if I weren't so lazy. Then I get all these old people telling me to enjoy my youth and don't rush things, well count me in there, I certainly haven't rushed. N Nuff for today

2007-02-14T16:45:00.000-08:00

Who am I?

2006-11-07T15:25:00.000-08:00

Here are some of my thoughts. We can never completely know how people see us, unless they tell us of course. We can only control their perception to a point then it's up to them. And I don't believe that our identities are made of what people can see or hear.
I think we in the western world, with a greek way of thinking of things, love to compartmentalize everything, including identity. We are so influenced by our media and "scholars", that we are uncomfortable until we can put something or someone in a neat little corner of our mind or classify it. We seem to be desperately trying to put everything we know in to some form catagory so as to market it or buy it or understand it , to mabey have control or something, I don't know.
What I do know is this; God has made us in his image, he is infinite, we are not,though there are many numerous facettes to our existance.
We all feel things differently, see things differently, respond to things differently.
Something that is almost too big to fathom, yet sounds cliche, and yet brings hope, to me anyway, is that everyone of us is UNIQUE. No one's identity can be lumped with anyone else's. There can be similarities with others but "who we are", who I am, is me.

I say all this even as i have yet to know what I want to do with my life. I have desires and interests, but alas, I always come back to the conclusion that I would get tired of doing them so i don't want to waste my time or money persueing them till I know I've found the one. To your shock and dismay being a Front End SUPERvisor isn't all that SUPER.

finally

2006-08-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

Great news, I finally have words for my new, new song. It's another acoustic one, that I'm gonna perform at Gracefest this saturday, it's a Christian music festival. I have had the music for months but have been frustrated with the lack of words. So here it is. It's called "Laid Bare"

" I can't stand anymore of this looking on with longing.
I must have you for myself and you must have me too.
Call me to yourself. Tell me what I need to hear tonight.
Tonight

Your voice is oh so loud, if only we would listen.
You have not stopped talking to us since we were made by your hands.
Oh Lord, give us peace. Help us be still and know that you are God.
You are God.

Only in your hands will we see the Promised Land
Never by our flesh.
Oh don't we know how low we can go.
Be our life. Be our life.

Suffering knows our name, fear stares us in the face
Crippling us to shame
Lord, you reign all the universe,
why, oh why do we believe the worst
When we know you..
Love us. You love us for eternity
Is this reality? Am I really here?
I am laid bare."

new song

2006-07-28T18:40:00.000-07:00

Here are my new lyrics to the new song with my band. We are getting good, i can't wait for someone else to hear us.
This song is about a girl that I like that has no idea that I like her, except maybe the flirting. She's a teller at the bank in the store.
It's called "Is That You?"
"You sit there, unaware
Smiling, feeling alive
I cannot
Believe how
I can't shake you

Is that you?

Oh God, tell me now
will I be undone
if I give in to this?

Who are you now?
Are you the one that I can see?
Can I take
You for your word?
Or can I take you out?
Ever forever keeps calling to me,
Wanting the one to arrive.
Seeing you there
Doesn't compare
To knowing for sure.

Is that you?

Oh God, tell me now
Will I be undone
If I give in to this?

the home stretch

2006-07-23T12:21:00.000-07:00

well good news!! After having fled from southern Beirut my cousin and her family went to a convent in the mountains, where she got call from the US embassy that she could go to the coast and get picked up either by helicopter or boat. So I think now she is in cyprus, meaning safe.
In other news, our band is starting to sound good, I can't wait to get good enough to play out.

mid-east

2006-07-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

Anybody remember reading my blog about my thoughts on 2006? I have felt for several years that this year, 2006, we would see things leading up to or being end times stuff. I have a cousin and her kids in Beirut right now. She is still fine but has been listening to the bombings only blocks or a mile away. They can't leave the country because the airport is destroyed.
And I just read that the hezbola just bombed Nazareth. Things are heating up.

things to think about

2006-07-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

I've been having these thoughts about life and our awareness of ourselves and time. I've been thinking about the fact we never "feel" different as we age. I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally and mentally, we always feel like we do at the moment. Perhaps my putting it into words doesn't comunicate it aptly, but i will continue nonetheless.
As I age I never "feel" like I am aging. I can never tell or feel like I am maturing, yet others around me say that am or have. I have also told friends that they have matured, healed, grown, etc. and they have responded with either surprise or with embarassed encouragment. Which has led me to wonder about our sense of time, aging, growth, etc. .
Are we meant to sense our own growth? Are supposed feel our own maturing? It seems like if we were meant to sense these things God would allow us to. Plus, because time passes and our sense of feeling never changes, yet our body ages and we do actually change and mature, it has become more and more clear to me that our spirits, who we are, is truely eternal and not affected by time. It seems as though sin, which brought about death and decay, really is the cause of us growing old physically.
Time is such a weird thing. It is all relative to how fast you are going, it is measured by an arbitrary measurement set up by man, yet you can't "feel" it, taste it, see it. You can only see it's effects on things, yet we can only exist in just a sliver of it; the thing we call the present, and cannot move around in it. And we are ONLY ever in the present, as soon as we say "now", "now" is gone, so are we ever REALLY in the present? If we are only ever in the present, the "now", does that mean we are in eternity at this time?

ok, ok, ok!

2006-06-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

So here is my long anticipated blog. Though, it won't be long. Let me recap my month. A real producer mixed one of my new songs making it sound AMAZING. I wrote a really cool, complicated, pretty, proggy sounding acoutsic song. I'm going to be in a band this summer with some pretty good musicians, about which I am SIKED!!! This weekend alone I went to Brittany's last chamber choir concert for the year, sang in the Chamber choir reunion concert, went to Maine for a day, met Holly's boyfriend whom she's courting with the belief that he is "the one", and today for eight hours video taped this years chamber choir at a recording studio with the intent on making a documentary/dvd about it.
I'm pooped out and still have the rest of the week to work. Though wednesday the band gets together, yay!

Awakening

2006-05-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should post. I just went to Battle Cry. It was in Philly. It was awsome, I saw Michael Gunger, Franklin Graham, the Actual Warior and American son whose dad the warior killed from the End of the Spear movie!!!!, Jeremy Camp, Toby mac, Pillar, Cross Movement, the Groovaloos, whose instruction DVD I bought so I can B-boy and Lock with the rest of 'em. And Delirious? did the woship. I think they might be my new favorite band, no one can top U2 but they are getting close to them.
God has freed me and I am awakening again!!! I have been spiritually asleep for a long time, three years or so, and I am feeling so dusty and dirty that this new awakening is so refreshing. I have learned a lot in the dark, or, rather, God has let me look back on my darkness as He illuminates it for me.
So begins a new stage in my life.

2006-04-20T21:00:00.001-07:00

I love my sister.

you said it Dave

2006-04-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

suddenly my life is painfully boring and lonely. All of a sudden it's nice and warm and appropriate to be outside and do things outside, but lo, I have no such friends to oblige. My life has been boring right along, it's just....today it really hit and hurt.
Nothing excites me anymore. Nothing but music. Nothing satisfies or stimulates like music. I have become UNcomfortably numb.

upon request

2006-04-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

Here are the tenetively finished lyrics from my "finished" new song. A potential revision is pending a meeting with an actual producer.

"Regret, disappointment.
Funny how in the sceme of things, these things don't matter much.
People don't ask what you regret, they don't care, they carry their own.

One life's regret is enough for one person to carry for a lifetime.

Lovingkindness, understanding.
Life's ironies keep me interested.
They flavor the spice of life.
They keep nonsense fresh, they give laughter breath.
Only the One knows the way life really goes.

Underneath, we all climb we all fall.
Though not everyone shows their lifelong cares and whoas.

Why me? Why now? Why not?
I must
Find my way through, to this Throne of Grace."

take time to read the fine print

2006-04-11T21:59:00.000-07:00

What would a kiss do to me? I don't know really. I guess it would depend on who it was and why it happened. That'll be the day!
Time changes everything and why can't I be the same as I was. I find it hard to re-destroy the things I've re-built after destroying them several years ago for the Lord. I hate/love it when the Word exposes my sin and heart so eloquently.

Anyway here's a portion of my new song lyrics, as I am still writing them.
"Rain falls on a dry soul
Thirsty for new life.
Light finds it's way through
Bringing with it awakening

Look on towards horizons, fields of soaring dreams......"

song thingy

2006-04-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

Your 2005 Song Is

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

"It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss"

Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

and I love this song

without breath

2006-04-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

to behold true innocence and genuine love is completely overwhelming.

wow

2006-04-07T20:45:00.000-07:00

man, beauty is truly amazing. It feels so good to look at and hear, it brings so much warmth to the heart. I love it.
There are so many facets of beauty, and all of them satisfy or make you want more. and more and more and more.
When you let your guard down and let true beauty in, there aren't words to express the experience, it just is, and that's all you can say. Beauty can take you to places never before traveled, it can bring you along a path you would never imagine going down before. I must be careful of what beauty could do. I must remember that beauty is fleeting and like a flower, here today and gone tomorrow.

Pet-music-food-scooping.

2006-03-26T20:17:00.000-08:00

man, I rock!!!!! My new song kicks so much ass it's not funny..stop laughing. I am so siked that it's coming together nicely.
I'm sure some of you would like to hear it, but I'm afraid if I were to send a copy it would be shelved along with the other CD.
NO WORRIES!! I take no offense, really, I actually think it's hilarious. I am laughing right now, because it has happened so many times before with others around here. People seem interested and say they want to hear my new song, whatever it may be, so, believing them, I play it for them, either by CD or I perform it. And all too often the interest disappears THE SECOND A NOTE IS PLAYED. Its so funny, they talk with me and as soon as they hear a note they either walk away, start talking with someone else, or ask me all these questions WITHOUT ACTUALLY LISTENING TO A NOTE! It really does beg the question "do you want to hear it or are you just making conversation and being polite? If so, PLEASE SAY NO 'I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN RIGHT NOW'." It really does make me laugh at how stupid and transparent our actions make us look. It's a joke, really.
It is not unlike a pet peve of mine. When being served/scooped/poured a food item by someone, I am often asked to tell them when to stop. I DO, then, for some strange reason, thinking they are doing me a favor, they CONTINUE TO GIVE ME MORE THAN I ASKED FOR. Now, to me, when you ask someone a question it's usually because you want the answer, am I wrong? So when someone asks me something, I usually expect them to ACTUALLY WANT AN ANSWER, but all too often they have already made up their mind and don't really care what I have to say. So there is a little rant from me.

musings

2006-03-25T19:22:00.000-08:00

It weaves back and forth, the understanding one has about the world around him,
moving beyond and within reason, giving light to the may things of the imagination.
Hope springs up and down throughout the whole adventure.
The wilderness of one's musings forego the ideas of sense and time, releasing one to let go of the tied-down and gagged reality we ever travel in our flesh.

The wonderment of youth always stays within a heartbeat as long as we know we are only here for a short while and then, like grass, we depart into dust.
Thoughts of nothingness are given back to the air for a second helping of amazement with the longing for that rush we all love.

Tomorrow feels so unfamiliar and yesterday so old and tired.
Yet the noise of today always ends in echoes and memories as we lay ourselves down to go, again, into the dreamscape of the eternal.
"Never" reverberates like a crash in our aching hearts.
"Forever" gives us a sense of that thing we will never know,"now".
But oh, how "now" brings with it a new meaning to the sense of forever being bound to this moment..and then it's gone.
Only to carry us into another moment to cherish the newness of life and the timeless desire for more.

What was that?

2006-03-24T18:20:00.000-08:00

Given the understanding I have of how and why, it seems my lack of desire and actual experience just gives birth to more and more days of nothing. I need a change. I need a friend to keep me alive and inspired. I need someone to write music with. I need a new hope...funny how Star Wars always comes back into my life.
Lame excuses seem to be my special order of the day, every day. My hopes seem to be so big every night then a day goes by and then I don't feel like doing anything. Life seems more simple that way. My visit to my place of work to get my Pay Check vividly reminded me of my hatred towards it. It was amazing how just being there made me want to run even thought I am still very weak from being sick this week. I was, though, pleased to see Danielle, the only single girl who could ever be a " potential" as she is the only single christian girl who isn't a minor that I know, around here anyway.
Anyways back to me, no, really, enough about me how about more about me!! Yes!!!! My favorite topic!! I spend more time with myself than anyone else. No one comes close. I must confess I enjoy talking about me, cause I've studied myself now for years. Repitition saves my life like nothing else. If it weren't for the day in day out I would have nothing to consume my time with. Thus I would run out of nothing to talk about.
Enough said, good bye..........til later

Inspired by David Gillmore

2006-03-24T17:45:00.000-08:00

When slow motion carries you in a wave of solace, peace moves freely like a breeze on a warm sunny spring morning. Daylight opens your mind, your heart warms up and love flows out of the serene thoughts that dot the mental landscape.
Oceans blue, waves give you, the love of life, the thoughts of Godand moments of understanding the universe.

hopefully

2006-03-23T18:06:00.001-08:00

hope finds the weirdest places to pop up. Or maybe God just chooses uncanny ways to show us hope.

The dark side of the moon

2006-03-14T21:23:00.000-08:00

it just dawned on me that we may be witnessing they actual decay of society that the flesh can perpetrate. Thinking about the increase of all the deseases and hearing loss and obecity, crime, etc. . It may not seem like an apiphany but i was thinking of how we shun the Roman's for things they did. WE do all of those things now and at an ever increasing rate.
When I say "we" and the "culture" I mean only the western world and North America specifically. We are uniquely equipped and capable of complete sin saturation as weare the richest people in the world, therefore capable of affording all the necissary "equipment" to feed our flesh.

emptiness consumes the mind

2006-03-04T16:20:00.000-08:00

exclusivity gives us a sense of importance. It gives us a sense of safety and comfort. We feel in. We feel secure. We know if no one else will the other will. Hope springs forth, from a relationship where you know you, and the other, are the only ones' object of affection and trust. Hope for the future, hope for life, hope for fun, hope for laughter. Now remove exclusivity and all those feelings and emotions become the opposite.
Today is a bad day for the lonely in heart. Like myself

Emotion and zeal= love for the lost relationships

2006-01-30T19:56:00.000-08:00

what a difference a couple pictures can make to my heart. Just a few pictures of people at PdF brings back a thought and recollection of the relationship I have neglected. My heart and mind have been so into me. So into the things of the world and not those of the Body. My thoughts of career and musicsal energy have been all in the realm of the secular music biz, but oh how small and limited. How hollow and naive of me to think that any success there would bring me satisfaction.
Oh, I still want the material benefits of a large income but the "hope" I put in them has been shown pale in comparison to the joy I have, until recently, forgotten. My only hope and prayer is that this won't fade and my zeal will be sustained. My heart does ache though that it might be impossible to visit the boys in QC. Not enough time in advance to ask off and traveling in the winter through mountains is foolish. Alas, I am moved again to song and guitar to further communicate my emotion.

"I can't remember"

2006-01-30T15:16:00.000-08:00

so i made a music video with my sister and brother. I'm gonna try and put it on stupidvideos.com or ifilm.com. I'm happy with it. It's to the song "Amnesia" a Chumbawumba song, it's a blast.There are some really funny spots in it, my bro and I dance a little gay, individually not together! LOL its soo funny. I also found a spot where I do this incredibly gay motion with my hands and head, its awsome. I didn't notice it until I was watching the playback with my sister and we just screamed it was/is so funny. I of course left it in.
So I gotta figure out how to commpress the thing to be shown on the web.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

2006-01-22T19:46:00.000-08:00

WOW! That's all I have to say. I just saw The Constant Gardener at Revival House, I was impressed.
Suffering in Africa is happening all the time, I have heard it said by an African that no one cares what happens in Africa. This movie shows some of the destitution that is there. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to live like that.
I am once again moved with an indescribable emotion. It's part sadness, part amazment, part sympathy, part anger, part anger, part anger, part indifference, part apalled. I am amazed that these people who are among the most emotive, passionate, kind humans on the planet live like dogs!!!! I am amazed that the world I live in, N. America, knows/cares very little on a daily basis about the well being of anyone but themselves. I am amazed at how I am moved by the sights of dying children to both horror AND APATHY at the same time. I am disturbed by it. I care and then I don't.
What does one do about these attrocities? What CAN someone do about it? Are we all simply limitedto help oneperson at a time? Are we really tied down by our physcal limitations of just being able to "help" out at a mission somewhere? I always feel that it's good to have people helping where they can and have always let them do what they do. Then I have always had a part of me say that their help is only limited and can only do so much good. They go into it wanting to "change the world" and I thinkto myself be real, you can only help as many as your able, the world will always have horrible things happening. I never suggest nor say don't bother, but I always feel that thought take over at the same time.
I know that helping even one life is good and invaluable to that person but I am always left feeling unsatisfied whenever I hear that or think it. I just want MORE!!!!!!!!! One is not enough, there needs to be redemption for everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And here is where my passion and apathy colide with a deafening roar of confusion in my head. What the hell am I to do about it????????
Do I sponser a kid? Do I make donations to honest charities? Do I become a missionary to Africa and just do whatever I am physically capable of? Do I make noise here in America in a futile attempt to get people to, again, notice the suffering only to have the awareness fade like every other stupid fuking fad this fucked up culture embraces for a cheap fuck and good bye? It's so messed up!!!! I am so fucking riled up and heart broken, I don't know what I'm feeling, I just want to scream at all the stupid motherfucking injustice, hate, hunger, apathy, capatalism, GREEEEEEEDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS FUCKING PLANET!!!!!!!!! Why can't Jesus just come back now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????????????? Get it done and over with. It's so overwhleming, yet it's nothing compared to the what THE HOLY ONE sees every minute. We truly are wicked to the core, never doubt that. Our flesh is truly worthy of Hell. WE ALL DESERVE HELL!! Amazing Love, how can it be...?

The well runs deep. The rope is broken. The bucket lost

2006-01-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

I suppose I shouldn't be so negative, it is my tendency after all. I am just so blah, down, out, apathetic, hopeless. It just doesn't feel rigtht, I guess. I am not myself. Maybe I'm down cause Holly went back to school. Maybe I'm lonely. I do miss being in love. I miss doing nice things for someone while having them do the same out of sheer fun and joy of making someone happy.
I really am a mess I guess. I am so tired of doing youth group while at the same time having a very good time everytime I go. I think I need to go. I am such a loser, it's weird, I can say that and mean it not necissarily in a bad way, just a truthful, descriptive way. I know I have gifts and talents and am smart, but I also live at home with mommy and daddy, get my supper cooked for me every night, don't worry about bills other than car insurrence, cell phone and my very low rent. Oh, well that's that.
I had a great idea for a song, well, I had the guitar parts I just had an idea about how to put them together. But, alas, I have lost the motivation to pursue it. Actually I had planned on recording the bass line tonight, instead I spent 3 hours online, watched an episode of MASK and Are you being Served?. All enjoyable things, but not what originally planned or wanted. It bothers me to a point, then I just say "oh well" and the feeling fades.
Thats one of the things I have "learned/noticed", I can control what bothers me. I can either let something bother me or not. I have to do it at work all the time. That's where I have learned to control my fear and emotions maybe too much, that I have just hardened my heart. I miss feeling at all, I guess.
I was moved rather suddenly by "The Liion, Wich, Wardrobe...". Whenever Lucy cried I did. It was beautiful. I realized that I miss feeling good emotion, passion, anything that'll bring a tear to my eye.
Some day you'll see my name in lights, somwhere. I've got a well to give from, it will find a way out.

the end is near. ;)

2006-01-05T15:20:00.000-08:00

here's a random thought that i should say before I look like a loser. I have been saying for a few years now that i think 2006 will be the year we start seeing prophecies fulfilled in the middle east. I'm not a date setter, I just think that this year we will see a beginning of the end. Now it probably seems pretentious for me to say that on the day Sharon has a stroke, but it did remind me of my though/feeling. I thought I should post it officially, even though I could always change the date on my blog. Oh well, just take my word for it. keep your eyes and ears open.

my new, and NOW COMPLETE new song!!!

2005-12-20T20:53:00.000-08:00

It almost seems
like I could get there without
anything
Easily, alone.
it almost seems like I am there already
If I could
get past myself, if I could

Let go and let God
It's not like I don't know
Thre's so much more than what I see
Thank you for not showing me all at once
Protecting me and my eyes

It is you
Who brings to me entirely
Contentment and satisfaction
I wish I
walked in knowledge of that
faithfully
Easier said than done

Oh I get it
It's the way that you use
The journey changes me as I go
So much for my efforts to arrive
I have to stay in the now

Turning points come so close to breakdowns
It's hard to tell the one from the other

A crash of self, colapsing pride
A change of mind and heart, inside
A life takes a turn, behold the light
The soul is now revived

I thought I knew
I thought I had it all
Figured out
What more could there be?
But it seems
Not everything fits
Inside my head
Inside my limited brain

Hallelujah, you really are God
It's like I almost forgot who you are
All the while i thought I remembered
You are the Way , the Truth, and the Life

nice warm shower time

2005-12-14T20:17:00.000-08:00

I always wonder the reason for deleted comments. Did you change your mind? Did you say something bad/wrong? And who is the mystery deleter? These thing always cross my mind.
Perhaps I'll blog after all.
I just finished, for the day, cleaning my room. Its always a big job whenever I do it. I don't do it very often at all. To be honest maybe once or twice a year. It gets pretty dusty so when I finally clean it I kick up the dust as I go. Generally I sleep poorly for the first few nights....alergies! So hopefull I will sleep well enough.
Off to a nice warm shower. Merry Christmas everybody!!!!

?

2005-12-09T21:21:00.000-08:00

a current,
a wave ,
the sun ,
a name.
a thought,
a way,
the numbers,
the game.
too many lives lost
too many ways gone, by the way side.
today is the day,
tommorrow is lost.
a few more for me,
no more for you.
the lies,
the faith,
the love ,
the hate.
my name,
your name,
our names,
the place.
power is moving all about this ones life, tomorrow is not here, today is not there
it is right now, the one is consuming the thoughts that will do me, forever.
all I know is the sum of whats there, the motion of time is thinning the air
must breathe more carefully now, no one is for sure,
let me take the time now and make some more

Mac Daddy still

2005-12-03T17:29:00.000-08:00

so i've been asked to post. I guess I should oblidge. Musically good things are happening, mainly because i've spent a buch of time with my Mac working on putting music on it. I have old practice tapes that Ive had for years and am now converting them to mp3's and aiff files so as to put them on CD. Or send them to people. I am going to try and collect all the music I've been a part of, either written or played an instrument on, all of it I can. So as to have a portfolio of such. The quality of a lot of it is poor. Most of it was recorded on tapes as a split second decision so the recording devices were crappy little tape players. And some of the stuff is just me on a bad 4 track. I really didn't know how to use it so the mix is awful. until later

Happy Turkey day

2005-11-24T18:37:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!! Bert and I finished the song and I think it sounds pretty good. I can email it to whoever wants hear it.

many such things are said thus forth.

2005-11-19T18:43:00.000-08:00

Man, I love this time of year!!! O love the cold, I love the mood it puts me in. It is such a melancholy time, yet has such joy as Christmas appraoches. I LOVE CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!! It so happy and fun, full of love and fun, did I mention fun? So many good memories and good times and good food and good friends and good sweets and good movies. I know Thanksgiving is this Thursday but I'm all ready for Christmas time. I watched Elf tonight, I love it, it's sooo funny!
I just spent the last night out all night. It was a youth group event that started at 7pm and ended at 7am. It was a blast! We played laser tag, climbed a fake rock wall, played arcade games, then went bowling, then back to the church where we started, to play video games or watch a movie or play on the inflatable jousting or sumo suit wrestling, good times. The kids in my van were a blast! We sang like every rock song we could think of that we knew the words to. We sang Pink Floyd, Queen, U2, and more that I can't remember. We sang Bohemian rapsody IN IT'S ENTIRETY even with all the guitar parts, head banging, etc, it was awesome!!! I got to know some new kids too which was cool. I haven't had that much fun in a long time, I needed it.
I really wish I knew what I should do next. I'm so sick of working at a grocery store. I had a blast recording "June"" with Burt,( I know, I spelled it the way I wanted) even though the guy at the studio backed out at the last minute. We recorded at Burt's apartment instead. That experience reminded me that I don't like customer service and much rather play music the rest of my life. I just feel like my talent and gifting is just wasted at the store. I bag fucking groceries ALL DAY. I do a lot of other things too, but I'm just so bored with bagging. It's like lifting 3 pounds when you could lift 100. It is so nothing. "I want more...and I know I shouldn't", thats from star wars, I started the sentence then laughed to myself because it sounded like Annakin.
I feel so stupid. More and more friends are getting married, I went to a reception today. I still live at home in a room that I don't keep clean, I collect Star Wars toys, I'm a dork, I only ever talk about actually being in a band or making videos but don't have a band or own a camera of any sort. I am a big noise, scary and intimidating but nothing happens. It's all just wind blowing in the pine trees, it sounds like it's blowing hard but in fact it's just a breeze and only sounds hard. So much for flying a kite. Man, that sounds cheesy. And rather drab, but it is in fact how I feel often. I'm still happy for the season, though.
My point was that I don't feel like I can even think about marrage when I have nothing to offer anyone. I don't make enough to support myself let alone a wife. I don't have an inkling of a career option so there is no security or stability in my life. My own stability is my family and I know that no one would be attracted to that. I guess I could go on as to why I think no one would be interested in me right now. I just know that I haven't much to offer a girl if one were to be interested. I want to though!! Regardless of what I may think my situation is as far as giving, there aren't many girls here anyway. Not many christian ones anyway, its like a wasteland. They're either married, engaged or have a serious boyfriend. Maybe I should stop complaining. sorry. I've been saying I'm not really looking but I guess I am, I have noticed all these "reasons" without looking, haven't I? One thing is for sure, no one is attracted to someone who complains about their life, or whines about being single, like me. God knows, thats all that matters. Wherever you are, wife, I can't wait!! But will have to.

rollercoaster

2005-11-14T18:04:00.000-08:00

Man, when you let God do things in your life and seek him, things do happen!! Everything just seems more positive. I think they call that feeling "hope", I almost forgot what it was like. A new day opens up in my heart and life has a little more light in it.
Ironically, I feel that I may have overstepped a line in a friendship and feel a little nervous about what comes next. Please pray for wisdom. It seems what I think I want, I don't, and now it most deffinetely is not the thing that'll make me happy. God's timing and guidance is truly the only way to go. My dilema is a little funny/strange. I started having a little crush on a girl at work who seemed to reciprocate the same. I find out inadvertently from her talking to someone else that she has a boyfriend and he happens to be a friend I haven't seen in a while. He was in jail and came back to the Lord ( only breifly, it seems). He really likes her and wants to be serious, based on his blog and song about her. He just got a DUI and arrested again, breaking his parole, therefore jail time is almost garunteed! He just tried to kill himself this week and has her all kinds of stressed and questioning her comitment, (don't blame her). She's told me bassically she doesn't know if she's gonna wait while he's in jail. She has invited me to a couple things without him, thankfully I've had to work. I am afraid that she will dump him for me, and I DON'T WANT THAT!!. For one, he is someone I want to minister to and she is a bit too young. A funny thing through this stress in her life is that I have been talking to her about God and giving her Christian music, etc. . So there is potetial for good and bad here. I WANT GOOD. I want him and her, sepperately, to come to God in a new way, for their sakes. I prayed for him a lot while he was in jail and to see him all down again is hard. He is my priority, not her, so I must draw a clear line for her. And this"crush" is only that and nothing that will materialize to more, she's just cute, smart and cool. She goes to a church but it doesn't seem serious to her.
But I still feel a good thing coming my way, unrelated to this friend thing, I am having song ideas, I can feel the juices flowing again, just a bit. I must yield to God everything in my heart and mind. He must be the one singing and writing, nothing else must be, or it becomes nothing else. To sing of his glory is my call and to make a joyful noise to bless my brothers and sisters in glorifying the Lord. What comes next only He knows, I must be ready and submit to Him.

It's not over yet!!!!

2005-11-13T19:24:00.000-08:00

A good conversation goes a long way. Its nice to know someone who understands how singleness can feel at our age.
Thanks Good Friend!!

Believe you me

2005-11-10T20:18:00.000-08:00

Man, I love Eden's Bridge!! They take me far away yet keep me grounded in reality. I think someone is praying for me because I have been having a clarity of thought and feeling a shaft of light in my dark soul as of late. I am reminded and renewed of the Truth of God and the Lord Jesus Christ. I have always had the knowledge that God is real and His way is the right way even when I just don't care or feel any sense of his presence ro love. It's like bedrock, I know there is a loving God who came down to Earth as Jesus Christ 2000 years ago. I know he made everything and knows everything and is everywhere all at once. The thing that must be a learned/experienced thing is the knowledge of his personal love for me individually. I must ask and seek and believe when I do. I must push past the prevelent lie of western civilization that there aren't things that exist that I cannot see with my eyes.
He is the invisible God. To the unbelieving that sounds like a copp-out but thats because they assume and believe there is no God; therefore THERE IS NO GOD. They believe that believing something can make that thing true, meaning real. Therefore if you don't believe something it CANNOT exist. It is truly sad. Many live life this way, or at least look at life that way. There life and actions reveal what they really believe.

I just had an epiphany!! Or a big thought anyway. Is it possible that the reason the western chruch is becoming more powerless and irelevant is because we are "doing" the "things" believers "do", but only because we think we know what we "should do" and "do" them?
God works in and through people whose faith is real and alive. I'm sure that won't be contested, scripture is full of examples and many are alive today that anyone would say God works through them mightily. It is also clear in the Word that faith is a big component in God's working in our lives. SO...is it possible that there are a LOT of Christians that "believe" in Him as the world defines the word, meaning that they have "faith" but only as a way to conivince themselves that God is real, rather than actually believing He is and praying in actual belief. They experience good feelings and emotions at church and have good times with friends, cry at worship services,etc. read the Bible and study it, maybe even had an"experience" that they can point to as a God thing. But in there lives they treat their family bad, hold grudges, gossip, lie, cheat, steal when no one is looking and in there hearts they put all these things in a place called "thats just how I am".
Their real actions, meaning the ones they do when around their family and/or alone, or at work, around non-believing friends reveal what they truly believe. This may not seem so profound on an individual level, but my "ah-ha" is not this, but rather the effect of this on the large scale.
Most of us believers get told our whole lives to live as examples, spread the gospel, be a witness, etc. . Those are "things a true believer does". We try to do them and try and try and feel guilty when we don't . Then we get together at big rallys to get pumped up and "encouraged" ( always a good thing) to live the life, walk the walk, talk the talk, blah, blah, blah, witness, witness, be a missionary, go, go go, go!!!!!!!!!! The statistics come out and so do the guilt trips, all for a good cause mind you, I'm not saying those things are bad. The real selling point they use are the statistics, the numbers. They are startling and sobering and rightly so. Hence my epiphany...
If the church is still active and being "radical for christ", "etreme for Jesus", holding HUGE coventions, selling millions in books, music and televised sermons, why is the church being more changed BY the world instead of the WORLD by the church? Why are people running from the church? Why is Christianity the ONLY religion its politically correct to slam and suppress? Why is it that the Bible is a joke to so many "intelectuals"? Why isn't the Holy Spirit convicting men/women of sin and bringing them to their knees everywhere with all the "noise" we make about how powerful He is? Why do we hear " oh, I tried that God thing,and it wasn't for me"? Why are brothers and sisters walking away from the One true God, the only One Who loves them unconditionally?!!!!!!?????
Could it be that we are doing the actions to SHOW that we believe, when we don't really believe? If we truly believe and have faith then why this reversal of influence? Mustard Seed, must remember, Mustard Seed!! Those good things and actions WILL HAPPEN when we truly believe and walk in the REALITY of life in God!!! Our actions should come from the outpouring of our faith through the Holy Spirit, pouring the Water of Life to the world, as promised!! Not because we are "supposed to" or because "thats what a true beliver does". It just seems to me that too many "christians" do the christian things they see TRUE believers doing and think that if they do them too, that they are true believers too. So the motivation and approach is all backwards, hence the lack of power from the Holy Spirit. It's hollow. Like wearing a flight jacket and telling people you're a pilot, because your wearing a flight jacket. You put on the jacket thinking that wearing it makes you a pilot because pilots wear them. You don't do to be, you be to do!!!!! And maybe the lack of power is because we're all just doing and not being, therefore not having the faith for God to really move? (NOT AT ALL saying He is dependent on us for Him to move or for anything else for that matter). Its all so rediculous, scary and sad. I wonder how much the Enemy has infected our thought process regarding belief.
Oh, Lord grant us repentence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Idletry

2005-11-09T19:53:00.000-08:00

Sitting here listening to some music I.ve not listened to in years brought back memories and emotion from that time in my life. I remembered the hope and desires of being in a band and or doing something in music where I would be elated to take the stage every night and perform my heart out. It made me see my life now with the eyes I had then. Idleness, is what I saw. I saw a man who was sitting on talent and pathos that could benefit mankind, and he was just sitting, doing nothing. All his energy and passion for music he had squelched with the ever smothering "idletry", the worship of being comfortable and idle. It was rather shocking and disappointing, I would yell at myself if I had seen this coming back then. What a jolt of realization.
Just the few seconds of the song and the singer's voice brought back the dream i had then and the passion for it. Looking at the passion of then and combining it with the passion God had given me for Himself, mixed with all the things I've learned of life these 26 years one would hope I could do good. I pray that that will be brought about by Him indeed. Nothing is sating me, nothing I want satisfies me, nothing I have gives me any drive or passion. It must come from the Lord! This whole thing is really showing me the emptiness that non-believers must feel. It always seems that when confronted with the emptiness they turn to anger or indifference, but ironically I know that they do care and are scared. Thank You Lord for this. Letting me see the fading glory that the world has(n't). My life is not over. My life is not my job. My life is not how feel right now. My life is not comfort. My life is in you Lord, you alone and no one or nothing else. Praise Be To You, oh God!! You truley are the One.

it's like I'm living a dream

2005-11-07T21:23:00.000-08:00

it's like I'm living a dream. I look so lowly on my job and those who work with me. I don't think very highly of my job. Its important but not very complicated. I don't get paid very much and I'm 26 years old, it really is time for me to get a life. A career or just something other than work for high school drop outs would be nice. I just feel like such a loser. I know I have potential to be a good musician or music video dude but I have no idea how to get there. I see it in my mind, I feel it'll happen one day but when, WHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really am so damn lazy. It's killing me, literally: the more I don't do, the more goes by me, the more time goes by while I am idle, the more my life passes by and approachs the end. So what is it that God wants? Or what is it that I am not doing, right?
So tonight as I was walking to my car I got all excited for the opportunity I have coming up. My dad has gotten studio time for my friend Bert and I to record a cover song, mainly so he can learn the studio mixing board. I have been practicing the song a lot because I'm going to play guitar, bass and drums, as well as sing. So I'm looking forward to it. In my mind I want to have the studio guy to be impressed by me and ask me to work for him, so I wouldn't have to work at the store and actually have a job closer to what I want. But really I don't think that'll happen and its not realistic. Its just a dream, a thought, a childhood desire and way of looking at stuff like this.
So walking to my car I felt above my co-workers and job because I can play music and maybe make a living on it. The emotion was smug and stupid, like I was famous or something. I was acting like I was really in one of my dreams. For about 5 minutes...alone. It just made me feel stupid and old. Oh well.
I saw the David Crowder Band last night, it was really enjoyable. I only knew 2 of his songs goin in to the show, but it was great. I'm a fan now.

whoa!

2005-11-03T19:28:00.000-08:00

man, I am so selfish. It says a lot about me when my biggest "idol", Bono cares more about those hurting and suffering in other countries than I do. I have looked "up" to U2 since I was 11 and still, they rock my world. Bono uses his fame and influence to influence world leaders to take action against poverty, aids, hunger, third world debt, etc. I am startled at my apparent lack of compassion all of a sudden. My life is made up of work, sleep, music, beer, movies, internet, sleep, work, etc. I have dreams and desires for a future in the music or movie industry, with a possible ministry but it's all becoming terrifingly out of my reach. I have always feared doing nothing with my life and now I feel a bit like it has been "nothing" that has dominated my mind, heart, thoughts, life. Oh boy am I scared!!! This is a snap decision blog, I'm sure my fear will subside, but woooo boy is it a jolt of adrenaline

one less day.

2005-11-02T16:56:00.000-08:00

so today i'm a year older than I was a year ago today. I'm a big 26 and as odd as it sounds, I feel like that 26 is younger than 25. My fam surprised me last night with cake and gifts. i thought it would be tonight, but it was last night.
I feel good today, I really didn't do anything special except have a couple beers with a friend. Funny, I went to clean his apartment because I'm watching his cats and apt, and I knew he was coming back from the Europe tour this week but I didn't know when, but it was today. So I had an impromptu "party". I cleaned while we listened to music and had some beers. It was kind of wierd how he was hanging out and I was vacuuming and mopping the bathroom, etc. . But hey, he was there so it made it cool for me to hang out with a friend, one of the few I have around here. His girlfriend said something realy funny today. He told her it was my birthday and she said "oh. Now you have one less day", I thought that was hilarious!!!!
I was invited to a couple parties this past weekend and didn't go. There was a big one up in Boston that would have been really cool, and another one in the next town. Mainly, I didn't go beacause I was house sitting and I wanted to be around the house as much as possible because I got paid almost a weeks pay to do that. The other reason was that I didn't want to put myself in an extremely tempting situation. I think it was God that protected me a few ways. The first party, the big one, is all the way in Boston, thats 2 hours a way, and I would have to be back in the morning to play bass at church. The second one was put on by one of the cashiers at work, she is 16 and there would drinking there. She said her parents were putting it together and her big brothers would be there. Three things kept me from going. 1: under age drinking, and I am of age so if the police came I'm S.O.L. . 2: I think she likes me, and would be drunk, therefore I avoided any possible situation where she could try anything..."bad". 3: she would have been the only one there that I knew, making it very awkward. So all in all I done good by not going. I did, however go see The Shining at a movie house/cafe on saturday, which was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, it has been a while since I blogged. I just haven't felt like typing anything. I've been trying to stay off the computer, as i was getting addicted to it. I try to do other things. I think I've changed a bit recently. Living alone for a week can do things to you, not bad necessarily, just things. Watching TV for a whole week can deffinetly do stuff too. It messes with your head, it changes your values and thoughts, and sense of humor. It makes you look at life differently. Suddenly the world looks a bit more exciting and smaller.
I love the Dave Chappelle show!!! It is so hilarious!!!! It is so racist it just pushes the limits of taboo. I heard a comic once talk about their irreverence and explained it. They said that "you have to look at everything as if nothing is sacred and everything is fair game. If you start drawing lines around things and not picking on some things and other things you go all out on, it begs the question 'why not those things' and you start to look mean and hipocritical instead of funny." I may not agree with doing that, but I do like the way they look at comedy. It does make sense and it helps me understand comics a little more. You really have to have no sense of morality or value to look at life like that, but hey, it makes me laugh.
Thanks again for the birthday wishes!!

The rockin' sounds of glory and guitars

2005-10-20T14:50:00.000-07:00

when will the love of music ever end? I don't know, but I don't mind at all. I love Mos Def!!!! He's the man!! Incredible rymes, incredible acting chops, incredible musical talent!!. Must get more of his stuff.
I am again becoming enamored by Beck. I have shelved his albums for years and recently listened to them again, much to my delight i forgot how awsome he is, too. All this "new" music has given me ideas for music. We'll see if i pursue the ideas.
Oh yeah, the walk for life thing!!!! There was hardly anybody there. We had record rain for 10 days straight before and it was raining a bit in the morning. Therefore only 5 people total actually walked and probably 20-30 poeple there total. So the band that played before me made up 7-8 of the total. After they were done pretty much eveyone but 10 people left. When I played it was the band and the few people just hanging out talking and such, so it was more like a coffee shop. I didn't mind, i sucked. I was tired and my voices was tired and cracked a bunch. One time I cracked up because it cracked really loud, no one else noticed because they were talking and playing pool, etc. . I also messed up a lot on the guitar playing. It was alright, fun, realxed and in God's hands. '
I heard there was a new christian coffee shop in a nearby town that I could play at. So that could be cool.

where will we all end up?

2005-10-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

there is so much noise in this world. so much noise of how important it is to be sexy. to be in style, to not care about anyone but those who are your friends and yourself. It's all about being on the edge of decency, sexuality, style, originality. to keep up is exhausting, I know, I used to try. How do you satisfy those who are in a constant state of wanting more? how do you stay in the "now" as far as style goes? I must keep up with what's going on with their relationship. I have to get that because they have it already. I must be thin because no one will want me. I must fit into this size because if anyone heard what size I wear now they would think I was a beast. I must know what's cool and what's not. He's hot I want him, shes hot I want her... Lets get wasted, thats what weekends are for.
Its insane, its a mad fucking rush to nowhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its a futile, empty way try and belong. its so sad. its so empty. there is nothing in it. it is the flesh being the flesh. Its "the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes and the pride of life." or " boasting of what he has and does." so many succumb, so many of God's children seek it and want it. It breaks my heart, mainly because I found out I broke Gods heart when I did it. The things of the world are nothing, they're chaff in the wind, hollow gongs with no sustain or resonance. no meaning, no thought, no hope!!!!!!
There is truly nothing in the world that can satisfy. but many need to learn that, but many don't know the feeling of true satisfaction in Christ because they never went deep enough with him. so when you try and explain that to a young or imature chrirtian they agree with what you say but don't truly believe it. therfore they don't actually seek God for His sake, they "seek" Him because its the "right thing to do". I have been enboldened again to seek out this truth out more fully and preach it to those brothers and sisters who are luke warm. I suppose this is the direction I have been asking God for. I should be qualified to talk about being luke warm as I have spent a lot of time there and know a lot of the nooks and crannies of it.
I found a link to a christian girl that I know's My Space. I was disturbed to see all the pop-culture, cosmopolitan, very modern, sexually charged photos and links to many "hot style" sites. It was obvious to me that she isn't curently walking with the Lord. It shook me enough to vent.

boredom fun

2005-10-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

my 5th/23rd, is either "and not so much." or "This will be an interesting week."
Doesn't mean much to me, and I don't know how to tag links, sorry Amy.

share this knowledge

2005-10-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

I saw some violence that shook me pretty deep. It made feel sick to my stomach and dizzy because it was all too what i expected to see but didn't want to.
There is something about graphic violene that is so viceral. I shakes us and cuts us to the core. Its so not supposed to happen. To actually see someone willfully and intentionally hurt someone very badly is all so disturbing. I can't imagine what someone must have to think inside to just outright harm someone for very little reason.
Seeing a violent fight makes me feel helpless and like no one is around that can help. Initially I feel like there really is no God, because there is no imediate force stopping the violence. I better understand how someone who grew up in a violent part of the earth where injustice and outright malice is rampent, can truely belive that there is no one but themselves to look after them. The sad truth is that kind of life exists everywhere, even in the US and Canada. Inner city life is so different than my own. I feel my shelteredness has been exposed wide open, I am naked in my innocence.
I step back, though, after the shock settles and realize that God sees far worse, sees it all, all over the globe , all at the same time. Oh how his heart must grieve. That does comfort me though, knowing that God is not shocked by such violence nor is he frightened or surprised by any of it. Man has not let up in his violent life style since the fall. I too have felt the desire to harm others and can probably imagine a situation where I would kill, but I pray that situation never comes, or that God's grace would grant me the restraint and patience.
Knowing God can handle violence and does, even when I don't even think about it, comforts me. I know that He far surpasses my biggest problem, fear, situation. I now know more deeply his sufficiency in all things, and for all things in my life. HALELUJAH!!!! Praise be to The ONE!!!

up ^ date

2005-10-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

as it turns out, there is a local band called The Light that voluteered, out of the blue, to play on sat so I won't be the only one. I am personally a little relieved, cause it means all the music isn't all on me. I will play after them, so it makes the day seem more like an event than a Jason Banta concert. I am so glad.
Not that i didn't want to play, its just that I'm not so great at leading anyhting like singing or whatever may be requested.

upcoming events

2005-10-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

So this saturday I am going to perform at a walk for life thing. There is an organization in the area called Care Net. It is a support center/group for young women who get pregnant and are making a decision on keeping the child or not. They are a Christian org so obviously they encourage the girls to have the babies and give them alternatives to abortion.
I've been asked to play ay the after-walk-party. There was originally supposed to be two other groups playing as well as me, but as God would have it it is now going to be JUST ME!!!! Today Laurie told me that the other bands backed out and asked me to play a lot longer. Which means the after party is going to be essencially a Jason Banta concert. I told her I didn't mind playing longer but it really would be kindof wierd having just me play for an event I know little about. Oh well, thats how it is. Igues the local christian radio station will be there and maybe a lot of people so the exposure will be potentially significant, I think thats pretty cool.
I just pray that I'll feel better by then. I am still sick. I can't shake this thing. Every few days I get really bad stomach aches and the shakes and a fever. Last night I had a fever of 100.2 F wich is really hot for me. My "idle" temp is 97.6 so I was really hot. I haven't been that hot in years. I can't figur iti out. I must have an infection, my head hurts all the time and my sinuses are funky too, so thats probably it. That and gettingn barely enough sleep for the stressful week I had.
All in all i'm looking forward to perfroming this weekend. I guess it has potential to start a "career" and stuff so I hope I rock. I 've been thinking about songs I could perform and I realized I forgot about a lot of songs I wrote in the past. Which is purty kool. Please pray that all goes well and I feel better. Until next time.......

feedback

2005-10-02T20:04:00.000-07:00

I had a really good time tonight getting into shape again. My voice and playing guitar, that is. It felt really good, and I wrote some more of my new one. Man, it rocks!!! It's so good, I love it!!! However I want some feed back. I want to know if my lyrics make sense to anyone besides me.

It goes a little something like this...

"It almost seems, like I could get there without anything, easily alone.
It almost seems like I'm there already.
If I could get past myself. If I could let go and let God
It's not like I don't know there's so much more than what I see
Thank you for not showing me all at once.
Protecting me and my eyes. My eyes.

I thought I knew. I thought I had it all figured out.
'what more could there be?'
but it seems not everything fits inside my head,
inside my limited brain.
Hallelujah, you really are God.
It's like I almost forgot who you are.
And all the while I thought I remembered.
You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Turning points come so close to breakdowns
It's hard to tell the one from the other
But in the end it's all or nothing
You hve to own my mind, my eyes, my heart, my soul, my life....."

It's not done yet nor set in stone, but thats what have right now.

Mr. Reflector strikes again.

2005-09-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

going with the stream, nothing happens, moving in ahy other direction than the way of things causes friction, resistance, backlash. there most deffinetely is a devil and he most deffinetely does not want any of us to do any of the good prepared for us. nothing moving in any direction is his angle. he's a smart one, the smartest at deceiving, better than anyone that has ever lived because he has been around for everyone who has ever lived. he makes things in life add up and keep adding just so we are distrcted by life and stress. all he wants is us to focus on life and not God. all he cares is that we use up our mind and heart and emotional energy on the things here and not on those above.

my day SUCKED!!!!!! it was the worst day in a loong time. just non-stop, go, go ,go ,go, Jason this, jason that, fix this fix that, train her/him, get this, deal with this customer, give a refund, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ifuckinghatedit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But alas it is over. Praise be to the Lord on High!!!

many things have creeped back into my life over the years since bible school. loves, hates, reationships, longings, music, friends, work stress, work frustration, man this the life!. of all the things in my life they all have a place, or at least they have all had a place. just call me Mr. Reflector. time to sleep.

until then

2005-09-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

"welcome, my son, to the machine." Man, what a scary thought. It seems so desparing and dark. But yet in a lot of ways there are a lot of things in life that work and happen just like a machine. The compartmentalizing of our lives into different activities at different times, the numbering of our employees and accounts. The work week is like clock work for most jobs, paychecks the same. The way buisness can completely remove the human factor in the decisions boards make. How cold, how obscene, how unlike God made it originally. Man has a huge capacity to de-humanize, even in a time when "we" are trying to humanize everything!!
Just thinking about some Pink Floyd lyrics.

Not much to say, maybe more tomorrow

What dreams may come?

2005-09-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

Oh, how the Lord renews and restores the lives of his children. Many times the Lord has restored my heart mind and soul, always needed and always good.
Time again for renewal and understanding has come. My heart has been hardened with shame, guilt and indifference. My mind has been filled and duped with junk not of God. I must be smarter than the world's ways and lies. I must honor the Lord with all things in my life, not just my time. I must honor those around me, my friends, my famiily, my coworkers. I am a dishonorable person in a lot of my life. I have been shamed by my own foolishness, and it has been wiped away by the Blood of the Lamb. I am perfect in God's sight, though not in the flesh. What great mystries we have been granted to us!!
Great is the Lord and mighty is His Name.
I have wasted so much of my life............
So much has been thrown out for imediate pleasure.............
so little have I given to the good of others in comparison to what I know I could have given.........

I must apologize to those of you I have offended, sinned against, dishonored, wronged, hurt. I cannot claim ignorance nor unintention, I am responsible, and I am sorry. My heart grieves for those offenses...

And now, I will request prayer for growth and healing, I am a broken man reaching for completeness. An arogant SOB with a wounded heart for the Lord. Thank You for the prayers already prayed and the ones that may come.

ON another note, I have been requested to perform some of my own music for a "walk for life" thing in Oct. I'm siked!!!

naked face

2005-09-22T18:43:00.000-07:00

I am now 19 again. Or at least Iook it again. My sister said, with a surprised tone, that I am cute. It was rather funny to me, she seemed actually surprised.

I have cut my hair short and have no beard anymore. I have a little stubble of hair right above my chin, that little hitler spot. And sideburns. We'll see what happens at work...
I feel really good about it too, it's nice to feel good.

good news

2005-09-21T19:28:00.000-07:00

"God sees us better than we are." Russ Hadley

I'm so glad pastors remind of us of these things. I needed to be reminded that God sees us through Christ.

taste is not to be beheld by another

2005-09-20T23:34:00.000-07:00

staying up late can be bad for your health. listening to Pink Floyd is good for you. I've been listeningt o a lot of the music I used to listen to and remembering why I liked it in the first place. I remember so much more about my past, good stuff and bad. I fear this is a bad sign, wanting to listen to it all the time now. I fear backwards is the way I'm headed. It sure seems that way. Funny, I feel this way now, at a time when I could be making some big changes in moving forward. odd.
I plan on cutting my hair off this week. Short, not off. I'm all nervous and excited. There are a lot of people who know me now at work who have never seen me without my beard or long hair. I guess my Jesus look-alike days are coming to an end. Hopefully it's just an external thing. Man, I can't wait for this life to be over. Although there are a great many things I really want to hold onto. A lot of awesome music and movies. Well, I won't remember any of it anyway so it won't matter. "the old things will be forgotten".
"take time in a day to think about what we're doing here and ask why"
" look at life itself and thank the Lord for His amazing mind"
"hold your loved ones, tell them you love them. don't let go for anything, they are your family, no matter who they are"
"waste the hours in a good way, don't waste them for granted."
"look up, look out, look down, look around, look in , take it in, this is it, one time. "
" don't wake to sleep, sleep to wake"
" arise to shine on them who cannot rise"

who cares?

2005-09-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

all of a sudden I got really inspired, or rather my heart was moved a great deal. go to one.org . I wear the white braclet now. It's a petition to get governments to forgive third-world debt and fight AIDS.

I wish I cared more about a lot of things. Indifference is so powerful. God revealed to me at bible school that indiffernce is one of the N. American churches biggest sin and problems. Well I guess you can count me in. Indifference takes no effort and feels comfortable, it's convenient and doesn't disturb your neighbors. How American. It always seems that God doesn't take kindly to people who just don't care about what happens.
Now there are things that really don't require an opinion or concern, but the things that probably should pique our interest are generally the things that get shrugged off. Other people's well being, being disiplined, our own well-being, giving honor and glory to God when it's actually due, etc. . Well, ironically, my indifference is starting to bother me. How funny.

I wished I cared a lot more about things..........................again.

what things have taken me far?

2005-09-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

I had a good night at youth group. seems like when I want to decide not to do something I find myself liking it more than I ever had. Man, I'm actually in a good mood. Well, I think i just feel good about myself right now. Like, I'm good at something after all!!
God has a strange way of reaching people that aren't reaching fo him. I want to want to give him everything but it's always half-assed. I'm such a half-asser. lol that sounds so funny, I coined a phrase. But I only half-ass things in my life, not so much at work. It seems the only place where I find any knind of satisfaction and "joy" is at work where I am good at my job. I wish it were someting a little more important than a grocery store. It is a good place to work, I am just tired of it and it doesn't pay that much. My main concern right now is to get some kind of financial stability where I don't have to worry about paying bills. Plus with some kind of stability I think I would be in a better situation to marry. Not that that is a chance any time soon, by the looks of it. I suck................sometimes.

Time seeems to be slowing down. which is good. let's see how long it lasts

the last minute blog of the day

2005-09-14T20:06:00.000-07:00

it's funny, I have a lot on my mind but I don't have anyhting to say. A lot to think about these days, life and future and stuff...
what to do after I quit my job. What will I be when I grow up? Thigs have a way of happening in my life, we'll see.

talk to me.....

2005-09-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

so I got msn messenger now so I can talk in real time. I don't completely know how to use it, but I think I get most of it. those of you with more knowledge of it please feel free to fill me in on the details.
I put some emails of people on it on it says there not online (that much i understand...) but who of you has it and doesn't, not that I'll always use it and bug you. But if a conversation is something we want to have, so be it.

feeling a little better today. I've been training someone the past two days so work has been pretty easy. She knows what she's doing, hence the ease.
It is staring to really set in and bother me that i really don't have much of a social life. well at least no group of christian friends my own age. I had such a good time seeing you all, I really needed it, I felt myself again...briefly. I need to hang out more often instead of coming home and watching a movie or going online. It doesn't generally promote creativity or righteousness in any large amount.
I've been listening to a lot a music recently and wanting to play more, but I have no motivation to play, I'm in a creative dry spot AGAIN!! I hate it it is so depressing. All I do whenever I pick up my guitar, which is almost never, is play my old songs, which isn't bad but it's just boring. AND have you ever noticed that when your feeling romantically lonely you notice evry song that talks about it? Tonight on the way home this Police song was on and the chorus was "I'm lonely, so lonely" !! It was really rocking and catchy so I cranked it, then I caught what they were saying and i laughed outloud. You know one of those "frustrated, knowing" laughs? It was priceless. But of course.....no one was around to hear it. ...............ironic, huh? :)
This is probably one of my most normal blogs, where I'm actually telling it how it is and not just reflecting and tyyping my deep thoughts and feelings. It's just right there with no bells and whistles. oh well. enough for now

the only one who knows is the One Who Knows

2005-09-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

how is it that passion and desire can be overwhelming at times that they seem to almost burst out of your chest? How is it, that, with that intensity and excitment they can be overshot by mere mediocrity and complacency? How is it I can have dreams and wishes so strong that I cannot imagine a life without them and to have them as yet not even close to realization? how come I can't have what I want? how come this whole aging thing is so subtle and escapes notice? how is it that no one can come and make these things materialize? has music lost it's power? has passion and eagerness vanished? have I lost my mind or am I seeing things as they are? are there too many questions in the world that i just blend in with them all and am just noise along with the rest? can it be that all of my dreams and wishes for life are just echoes of other peoples' from generations past. There truely is nothing new under the sun. wait a little longer and you will see someone with the same desires.
rant and rave I do. complain I do, care I do, live I do, love I do, mabey next time around.........there won't be a next time, this is it. I have heard it said "seize the day" I've always wondered how. is it a conscious thing? or a state? "Make the most of life", how? "smell the flowers" I know I can do that, I've been doing that too much.
"prepare yourself for service" was said to me by an older brother in christ. I asked him what does that mean? What do I do to preapare myself, on a daily basis going to work, school, home, what things do i do? He had no answer. It was a phrase he said a lot but never really carried it out to it's logical, practical application. The sentiment was understood and appreciated but the end was still disillusionment.
The irony is that a lot of my loony thoughts and feelings have a simple answer but I seem to like to wallow. I am a fool sometimes. How many people does it take for foolishness to become wise and ok? (that's a scary question!!) I like asking questions about everything i can, so don't be frightened by them. Without quetions we would be animals.
When thoughts arrive I express them. I really like this whole medium.

the sun.

2005-09-11T17:58:00.000-07:00

sunshine doesn't seem to last in my life. it all gets cloudy and gray. the thing is I like gray, it seems to go with everything. not in life though. gray is lukewarm isn't it? well I'm lukewarm and rather comfortable. I choose the easy way, the feel-good way the "my own way" way. can't tell what's next for me.
I don't want to be involved with church stuff anymore. I don't feel I can be involved with a clear conscience. it's no more about the Lord, just doing it so no one asks questions. scary,huh? well too bad, thats the way it is. I really don't want to do anything, my life is so bland that bland is the only flavor I can taste anymore. which washes out the memory of any other flavor, therefore making the others not exist. get it? well I've run and run after the sun but it's sinking. it's racing around to come up behind me again. The sun is the same, inthe relative way, but I'm older. Shorter of breath and on day closer to death. thank you Pink Floyd.
No song has hit me recently quite like "time" by Pink Floyd.

I have a damn cold. Sniffling, sore throat, runny nose from hell!!! I hate being sick, I'm no good to anyone.
I get really dark and complain a lot. Forgive me Lord.

Some days are better than others.

today's special

2005-09-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

sometimes I just want to blog something to get comments. I'm a comment fiend! I don't really have much to say really. I got the pictures from mike's camera off his smugmug site, it's linked off of david's if anyone's interested.
I cleaned my buddy's apartment tonight. he's coming back tommorow. I'm really connecting to his cats, they're awsome!
Uh........so what do you look forward to? in life? on a day to day basis? what makes you smile? what things move you the most? digestively and emotionally....?
a'blee, a'blee, a'blee, that's all folks.
by the way the band The Presidents of the United States of America is one one the funniest, rockin bands ever. They are AWSOME!!!!!!

new phone. what a blessing?????????????

2005-09-06T21:07:00.000-07:00

so I'm a little bummed. I got a new phone today, it's cool, it has a camera on it and it's all black and shiny. The thing is I upgraded my plan and I LOST MY FREE CALLING TO CANADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so sad about it. It's an extra $14 a month to get it but then it's only 450 minutes, and before it was unlimited for free. I only asked about it AFTER we had finished doing the upgrade. I'm such an idiot, too. I could have just bought a new phone and had him change the vin number, keeping my old plan! So ends a period in my life. without my knowledge I completely cut off my friends from the free talking. It's not like I won't call Canada again, but I rather enjoyed the long conversations, free of guilt and debt. I''m so pissed off and sad about it. But the camera is cool. My home plan is better, the whole US is my home area, no roaming anywhere. Thats cool I guess, but not when most of your closest friends aren't in the US! I guess I'll have to just rely on the internet and good 'ol blogging.

it's waking the sense of soul longing

2005-09-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

whenever i get inside my head for too long I lose the capacity to hear. not audibly but internally, spiritualy. I just want and want and think and think and get myself into a tizzy about what it is I'm thinking about. the companion thing is one of those deals. mabey I'm not as bad as I might sound and mabey I'm not as depressed as I think I am. all in all I am still lonely, but like you said Leslie, I should make the Lord my focus.....again. It seems I have taken too much of an interest in the things I want and not the things of the Spirit.
I have to once again set my mind on things above and not the things of the flesh. Man, the whole walking with God thing is always simple but rarely easy. Ozzy Chambers says that the "setting" of the mind is our responsibility and as soon as we do God does the changing of it, or at least that's what i recall he says.....from memory. The idea is all there but I can't type it out quite right. Geez, things are way better when you focus on God.
Hey, thanks for those of you who have prayed for me in the past and present! "Good on ya!" :) (That expresion has always been so funny to me, it cracks me up every time I say it. It sounds so arrogant or something. Like I'm the holder and master of "good" so when I feel someone does something right or good I bestow my good on them. So I really only say it with my tongue firmly placed against my cheek.) But I really am emensly greatful for the prayers, I have needed them.
Mabey I will be fine after all.

How Low Can You Go?

2005-09-04T21:26:00.000-07:00

man I need a wife! I'm tired of liking people and then having nothing to show for it!!!!!!!!!! I have a lot of love for certain people and I want to love them. but oh no, not in my time, not no way , not no how. Geez!
I am truely amazed at David! He is an amazing guy, I'm so glad for Brittanie! Mike and Chris are awesome friends to him. I had a blast haging out with them. Denver Lips!!!!! Unfortunate Lips!!! The song will happen.
I'm sure for single people at a wedding it's normal to feel lonely and desire marriage for themselves, but holy shit, does it totally NOT matter to me AT ALL if it's normal.............. it really hurts. Being a guy friend of a bride is probably one of the most interesting things I've ever done. I'm sure it won't be the last time as I have many female friends but this was the first one where I hadn't met the groom prior to the wedding.
Me being me, I sometimes turn things on myself as a reflection of my faults. Not having someone like me for me turns into me being too weird for anyone to like. It drives me to depression, funny how wild a ride my emotions can have sometimes.It is pretty scary that I actually am going to let someone else read that. I just don't care right now. I feel stupid, I feel like i will never have anyone , I will be a whining, long haired, fucking loser until I die, thats how low I feel right now. deep down I know that God will bring me to a place of contentment in Him someday. I just am aching right now....
So ironic is my honesty. My desire to be honest and let people see through me in order to bring trust and understanding has turned on me many times before. When someone has an interest, they are turned off by knowing too much of my feelings. it's like they see stuff they don't like in me and run. I have only known one girl who has listened to my heart and not fled from interest in me, but the Lord had other plans for her life. Marriage. Some years later I still will never forget the overwhelming joy of realizing her concern and understanding and interest in what i had to say. It's funny, I have a hard time beleiving that there is actually someone else out here that might do the same but be my wife after all that.

man I'm just a fucking nut job,huh? well, Jesus loves me anyway, he made me who I am and someday someone will see me for me and love me for me and i her.

I'm not the same as I was, this trip changed me. My life looks different to me now, not just the bad stuff. The good in my life shines with a fresh brightness that brings great tears of joy. I LOVE MY FAMILY!!! No one will ever come close to my love for my family, God has blessed us greatly. when I have no one i have them, they for me and i for them. I'm so glad I saw Holly today, damn I miss her, and it will only be more the longer she's there. God is Good.

time, the dark side of life.

2005-09-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
you fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
waiting for someone or something to show you the way

tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
and then one day you find ten years have got behind you
no one told you when to run, you missed trhe starting gun

AND YOU RUN AND YOU RUN TO CATCH UP WITH THE SUN,
BUT IT' S SINKING
AND RACING AROUND TO COME UP BEHIND YOU AGAIN
THE SUN IS THE SAME IN THE RELATIVE WAY, BUT YOU'RE OLDER
SHORTER OF BREATH AND ONE DAY CLOSER TO DEATH

every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
the time is gone the song is over, thought I'd have something more to say

-Pink Floyd-
wow, did ever a song fall on a listening heart! funny how great things can stir up bad ones...............

the things that make the world go 'round

2005-08-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

man, I love Matt Mclean he's so cool.

I have forgotten a lot of the raw open emotions I felt while at bible school. Seeing the photos again "warms my heart". So much has changed since then. And so much hasn't. This week will be interesting. I can't wait to see the old friends, see them away from bible school. What are we like with no curfew? No Paul and Judy, no Steve, no Bec Sucre?

Celebration is a wonderful thing, thank You God for inventing parties! What fun it will be to celebrate together the union of a sister and brother in Christ. Can't get much better than that! And the weather should be awesome! upper 70's and 80's= that's 20's for those who partake of the metric sort.

*change of subject*
Man I hate work. It's more like I hate that I don't enjoy it more. It's not creative and I want to exercize my creativivty way more. It's grown an expanded. I feel it flow through me at times. It wil surge now and then and I usually have no outlet. I need a band or something. But I always come back to ; what's my porpose in life? meaning what am I going to do as a career? I have musical abilities, I have siniging abilities, I guess I have an ok eye for photography,etc. I like talking about being a christian and the bible. I'm a good multitasker and can handle angry people pretty dern well. Mabey there are suggestions out there? I'm open to ideas cause I have a limited brain.

it's me again!!!!! :) yay...

2005-08-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

surprise, I bet you'd never think I'd be posting on this blog? It' not like I'd ever done it before. Yeah, so I'm excited to go to CO! It's gonna be a blast. wow Brittanie married! Who will be next? Who will go down the aisle next? will it be me? will it be you? will it be Graham? I hope Graham gets a wonderful woman of God, he deserves it. I hope I do too. well I guess if I marry her she will be, eh? (that "eh" was for you Canadians:) ) Because I will never propose to someone who isn't someone I want to spend my life with, duh! Am I talking? Sometimes I will go off and have a converstion with myself, you know, ask a question you already know the answer to. Maybe you don't know but I do, that's all that matters right now as I am having a "conversation" with no one in particular. gee maybe I should shut up?
I'm so pissed! I forgot to ask off work tonight so now I'm missing an awesome concert that woulod have been for free. And I just heard on the radio that, like, a bunch of metal bands that I like are playing. Shit man, I'm pissed. Not really angry, just really, really bumed. Man, hanging around with a lot of non-christians takes away the stigma of swearing. I find myself swearing a lot more now. I guess I should stop, it is offensive. And counts as "filthy language" from my lips. Fuck it. LOL Just kidding, I thought I'd use the shock value of it to make my point. Sorry.
Well, it's been fun but now I must go and play bedtime for real and sleep.

Pudge

2005-08-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

my blogs have been so long and heavy, and probably not much fun to read, but I'm not always like that. I saw my old drummer at Godo's funeral and he has become a strongman. Check out his website: hometown.aol.com/mattinfernus/intro.html He's heavier and stronger than ever. Tell me what you think...

Hallowed be His Name

2005-08-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

I love how music moves through me. it moves my mind, heart, soul, emotions. It feels so good to hear a song that rocks, meaning one I really like. U2 is the best, man, I love them!!!! They are so awesome! Even better than the real thing... Some days are better then others, Miami, "40", with or without you and of course mabey my favorite, Where the streets have no name. Golly they sure do get me excited! They're the coolest doods this side of the....ocean?
Like a song my life has a chorus, bridge and verse. In a good song there will be a chorus that has a singable melody and easy to understand words. The verse takes it down a notch so you can listen to what the words say and have a place to build from; up to the chorus. The bridge after the second chorus changes the flow of the song a bit to give it more texture and feeling, so as not to become boring. A solo is a kind of release of the music, letting the musicians have some fun by letting loose. The solo also gives the listener a break from the words and melody, and gives them time to think about the words and the approaching last chorus. The last chorus is the culmination of all the different levels of the song; like bringing in an instrument only played during the verse, or a counter melody sung in the bridge. All brining the listener to the end of the song, hopefully giving them a sense of satisfaction and release..
Any good song has repitition of any of those parts. My life has repitition, and it's not all good. The tension built up in the verse which leads to the chorus is similar to the "stuff" I feel rightnow. My only hope is that, like a good song, a chorus is approaching to bring relief. Now a good chorus is singable,some are catchy, and yet others are those bad songs that nobody wants to hear. And those are the ones that get stuck in your head. So my hope is that a chorus will come soon and not one that will suck and get stuck in my head, if you get what I mean. I want a chorus that will have a soaring meledoy that will rouse my soul into an uncontrolable yell of excitment and pure elation. I want to be completely lost in the song so as to not to notice or care about anything but the melody and song. I want my heart to be completely enveloped by the words, my life to be carried along in the singing and my body jumping for joy with the sheer enjoyment of knowing that there is still the rest of the song!!!!! Only the moment will matter, only my love for my wife will drive me to honor, cherish and care for her, for ever and ever. She will have no doubts about my love, she will know I care by what I do and not only by what I say. We will both know that each of us is putting God before us, therefore trusting each other without thought or hesitation. So strong will our commitment be that no one would ever think anything other than hope for our future. Goodness will be with us, follow us the rest of our days, for the Lord is good.
God, free me from my prison. Shine on me that I may rise and wake, I am sleeping. I am not awake, mythoughts are not yours, my heart is deceieved willingly, my life is not yours. I'm not where you wnat me, I am trapped of my own accord, beyond repair, you must free me, restore me, grow me. All my understanding cannot know this trap I'm in, only you know. Only you know the way. When it all comes back and I am returned to who I am, you will know no other than what I am, all of me. Hallowed be your Name.

are we here yet?

2005-08-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

funny, all this free time and no thoughts to type. nothing to say just sit and stare at the screen. mabey I'll just keep typing until I can think of something. no I think I'll just say I miss being in a band, rocking out and giving my all on stage. It's so fun, what a blast! I t's all I can do to think of it, it's been so long. I hung out with Phinn to day for the first time in years, it was great, I missed him. He said him and the rest of the guys are going to beat the rock back into me. Awesome. I've petered out over the past five years, my fire is gone. Even for the Lord. I guess that would seem scary but I know God doesn't give up on me, even when I do. I am so ready for life to move on but it just goes by instead. Funny, EH? how that whole thing works out. I am really starting to feel my age now, with all the old gang being married and having kids and all, man I want a wife so bad. It'll get better, this too shall pass. But of course ,when, is the real question, God knows. What do I do? I don't know......................it seems so easy to read this but it's funnyhow it is real and not a story you read. The scarriest part about all I've said is that it is so cliche, so said already, nothing new under the sun. Strange how hard it is for a man to admit he's scared. well I'm here and I am. To be continued...

nothing? no-how?

2005-08-19T20:58:00.001-07:00

there are some things that seem to have no purpose. Like the death of young people or the death of infants. Many ask God why, because it makes no sense or feels unfair to us, etc. . Accidents and murders, just watch the news you know what I'm talking about. I CERTAINLY DO feel the emotions that come from those kinds of things, like this week, but I also, when the emotions have settled, look at a lot of things as "just the way 'it' goes". .
Meaning: God set up the world to work within certain perameters, such as the laws of physics, emotional make-ups, etc.. Example: my friend Kevin. He probably used drugs because he liked the way they felt. They may also have salved some pain he had deep down, perhaps beyond his perception, so it felt good to be high in many dimentions. So naturally he would seek out different highs as he went on in life. ( man, I miss him!) He put too much of the chemical into his blood for his body to filter, so his heart stopped. That is why he died. The way God designed life is that if we experience things that are upsetting we feel pain, and if foreign chemicals are introduced we get sick. We have limitations built in, when those limitations are breeched, bad things happen, that's "how it is". Our physical world is amazingly crafted!
Because sin, pain, death and sadness weren't in God's intended creation and design of us, they have terrible effects on us.
Death especially. It hits us hard, shakes us way deep down in our spirits and souls, it sends emotional ripples out through large distances because we are eternal in our spirits and should be one, in harmony and peace in paradise. It hurts always, it's sad always, it sucks always.
Forgive me if this seems cold. I am in no way under any dilusions that death is meaningless. Nor am I trying to negate anyones sorrow for a lost one, I am familiar in some ways with the loss of a close one, having lost three good friends now and a couple people I was aquainted with in church on a regular basis. God always has a plan and reason, all I am saying is that I, PERSONALLY, am ok with not really worrying about why God allowed someting to happen because I feel we will never know some things. God always knows, therefore I rest in that alone.

The Leonard's house.

2005-08-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

Funeral day was bad/good. I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in like 6,7,8,9, years, all from the scene. Some changed some didn't. I was really happy to see Pudge. I missed him. He's still with Jeff, 9 years now, wow! Good for them , I guess. Dayne, Jut, Phinn, Sean Foster, Emily, Mikey Lidner Oogy, Bob, the whole Leonard clan.
Afetr the service I went to luch with Dayne, Pudge, Phinn, Jut, and Jim, what a good time. The real "fun" was at night at the Leonard's. 150 people showed up to "party" in honor of Kevin. It was awesome!! There was free beer in an inflatable raft filled with ice (Bob's idea, of course), some of Kev's hippy friends off drumming their jmbe's smoking weed, other groups just drinking and hanging out talking. Bob was drinking, of course and surrounded with tons of Kevin's friends talking telling his dirty stories and jokes, etc. . You could feel the sorrow and love in the air. As drunk as everyone got there was always respect when things got out of hand, someone would always be like "hey guys, Kevin" . It was all so overwhelming.
Kevin (Godo) would have loved his ash ceremony. His fiance spread some of his ashes on sever large cannister fireworks in the middle of their field. It was almost midnight, almost a full moon, bright in the partly cloudy sky, 60 people gathered to watch in a drunken sorrow with an almost festive mood. No lights were on as the moonlight lit the field as Theresea and his step-mom spread the ashes on the tops of the fireworks. As they were finishing people began to sniff and shout "come on". Fireworks lit, a cheer at the top of the voice, then started the chant of his name "KEVIN, KEVIN, KEVIN!!!" mixed with just random yells of the sad and myself, tears came, choking sobs, overwhelmed with the lights, flashes, and noise of the roaring croud..............you cannot ask for a better memorial. As they burned longer and longer the chanting faded, the shouts became quieter and the real sobbing could be heard evrywhere. The realization of his death closed in on me and I joined the crying for a spell, I could not ask for a better way of celebrating him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It would have made him proud. The pain..........In all my days I will never forget him. In all my days I will never forget that experience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!One cannot know the power of that monent unless they were there. Pray for the Leonards! PLease.

2005-08-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

love runs deep

2005-08-18T21:49:00.000-07:00

love runs deep. evryone has love but it's not always at the surface.sometimes we don' t know that we love until everything around it is shaken so all that remains still and constant is that love. love connects us. we all have love at some level for something, and we share it at times that call for it to be shown or expressed. I love Bob. I love Kevin. Those two men have affected me in ways I''m just starting to see. man I'm gonna mis him. I already do , even though I haven't seen him in almost five years.
death hurts. it hurts deeply it burns the mind and feels the soul with it's fingers of pain. there is something about death that makes it scary and unique. death is a mystery, no one knows death, they see it but it cannot be studied. it is final. it hurts. it is NOT SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN!! that is why it hurts, it's not the way we're suppose to be. God never intended us to die. it's a perversion of life. the physical result of our sin, the wages of sin is death.
Bob is one of the nicest people I've ever met. he's the most vulgar, coarse, loud man I've ever met, but there is a love in him that just poors out. everyone who hears his dirty jokes or language can tell he's harmless. And his son was just like him, oh how sad this day is...............................................what a life he lived what a musician, what taste for music, the man, the dude, Godo, Kevin Leonard. God rest his soul, please!!!!!!!!!!!pain, tears, love, laughter, family, knowledge, understanding, compassion, it's all here in my heart, I pour it out to his family.

This is it, man.

2005-08-17T19:18:00.000-07:00

"And so, I never wanted it to be this way.
Without his smile, laughter, music, lingo, presence.
I knew he was there, though I wasn't there.
What a guy he was.

He's gone, left us, off to, the next show

Never knew another quite like him
Never knew a nicer, friendly guy
Music knew no boundries in his soul
Now I must say good-bye Godo.

Oh how I will miss him
Strange how life can seem so short

Eternity creeps upon our reality
Life and Death don't seem so far apart
We all know that the "someday" comes, someday
But it's "why, oh why" we ask in our hearts."

lyrics to his song I wrote today. I'm so not ready to go to his funeral. Too much

shoots and ladders

2005-08-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

the up and downs of life can really get to you. My friend Kevin died on the same day of my first screening of my first music video.The joy and saddness really don't mix well. All this when I'm also feeling lonely and want someone special in my life. Am I going to go insane? can't tell all I know is I'm gonna be real sad tommorow. The memorial service is tommorow and it's gonna suck. He wasn't a christian that I could tell so there will be an overwhelming sense of death and loss, heaviness I have felt before at another friend's funeral. Such sadness makes you want to give up on life. It makes everything seem meaningless and pointless, a life waisted, gone.............
I know I have a purpose in life but exactly what that is is yet to be realized. I also feel a resistance to wanting to do what I might be given. Alas, I will move on as always. How sad I am!

the royal tenenbaums

2005-08-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

man, the Royal Tenenbaums RULES. It's so off yet funny and realistic. Family is key, there is nothing like it.

I love this deal, I hate this deal, I have to live this deal

2005-08-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

this is my blog. I can type whatever I want, I can say anything, think anything, be anyone I want. I'm free to do it all and be it all inside and out. this is my turf now! I'm the master, I'm the man, I'm the way it goes. Left to anyone else would it still be me? mine? Am I wrong? Do I care what i want? do I care what others think?
A friend of mine died the other day, I found out today. His dad found him after he had been dead a while. Some think it was a drug overdose. I haven't been thinking about it cause I don't want to be sad right now. It's too uncomfortable. He wasn't a christian that I could tell. That's it, gone, game over, no more chances, what a scham. I'm pissed and sad. A bit miffed at the whole thing. What's the deal God? Why him? What was it for? give me a break. Well if it was drugs then it was his own fault. What a dumb ass! He fucking ruined his life with fucking stupid ass shit!!!!! What an idiot. He quit my band back in the day because he was a pothead and couldn't remember to show up at practice. He was probably one of the nicest and coolest people I've ever met. What an ass!!!!!!!!!!!! (if it was drugs). I'm really sad about it but it's not bothering me a whole lot emotionally. I don't want to be sad right now it takes so much energy.
back to NY. I love it. What purpose do music videos have other than promoting an album or band? I love the whole process of making one but what true value does it have? I want to do it because it's fun and I like it not necissarily because I feel God calling me there. I know I can do it but should I? I really don't want to do what I'm doing now. but as it stands it's my job and I have a responsibilty to be a good worker, blah, blah, blah.......
Why does it seem ever time I come back home from somwhere I always feel stuck? it's gotta be this area, I felt it coming back fom NYC, just this heaviness in the air. People do what they do....because. Thats it just because. I need to leave this place, get out of my home, away from the "wonderful" joy of working a stupid fucking jobby job. I know nothing of the future but partsa of it scare me. You can see the affect of it in the contrast of my blogs. A roller coaster of moods and thoughts. Thats the way it goes.
I'm so sick of doing youth group. I don't want to do it anymore but now me and one other woman are the only other peopleto help the leader. Now he moved the high school to friday night so those nights are tied up. I'm so sick of being a christian here. It seemed so much moreexciting at bible school. People seemed to be more excited there to learn. You know what?I think I just need to be around people my own age more, I don't really have any close friends here anymore. And those that are around I haven't spoken with thwm for years.
I guess the ups and downs are part of life. I can't get what I want all the time. I'm pissed and tired time for bed.

the city that never sleeps

2005-08-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

I LOVE NEW YORK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS SO FRICKIN AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ILOVE IT, I LOVE IT ILOVE IT. Nothing beats New York! Aside from walking in the wilderness what can't you do in New York? I love it. I'm back and tired. I've lost weight, a little more in shape and have a kick ass music video that I helped direct and edited myself! I must say I did not want to come home to "exciting" Ledyard.
Our main teacher was awesome. He's a producer he mainly does music videos and documentaries, but he taught us all the main basics of all the main departments in a production. I know so much more now on makiing movies and videos. I am confident that with a budget and a crew I could direct my own video.
On one of the day's, a classmate and I were walking in Washington Square and saw a real hollywood set right there. We saw Alfred Molina and Richard Geer in person, they were in taxi cab with the Square as the backdrop and a bunch of extras dressed as hippies, it was prettty cool. I'm gonna try and put my cut of the video on this site but it will take a while as I don't know how to do that yet. I love New York!

NYC or Bust but hopefully I don't bust

2005-08-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

Well this is my last night before going to NYC, gotta pack and review the subway map. I'm a little worried about my car. I'm parking in a fenced in area that'll be closed from 6pm-6am so at night it'll be locked up but not during the day. I also need food and don't know if the place I'm staying has a fridge. I hope I do good. I hope I learn something. I hope I understand everything. I don't want to be over my head nor do I want to not get time in the editing room. pray for me :)

no one else?

2005-08-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

lonely? heart broken? misunderstood? denied? let go of? good-byed? withdrawn?||||| understood? embraced? helped? cherished? despised? loved? hated? manipulated? trusted? freed? tied down? leashed? unleashed? outgoing? demanding? overlooked? overheard? looked down on? looked up to? fight? flight? are we? are you? am I? do we? do you? do I? today? tomorrow? never? always? thanked? neglected? abused? pampered? silly? serious? angry? happy? to many questions? why? how? what? when? yes? no? maybe? making sense? nonsensicle? flowing? resisting? viscocity? friction? underrated? overrated? reconciliation. forgiveness. bitterness. hatred. indifference. love. mercy. understanding. helpfullness. laziness. racism. liberality.acceptance. freedom. slavery. bondage. under. over. above. beyond. given. taken. allowed. prohibited. sometimes. occasionally. never. always. too much. too little. way too many. far too few. money. poverty. power. fraility. flowers. thorns. weeds. trees. grass. sun. moon. stars. boring. exciting. let down? disappointed? elated? overjoyed? underwhelmed?
Many have given us words of wisdom and gone to lead a life contrary to their own words. Many have lived out wisdom and not said a word. Some have given their life for nothing. Others have given their life for something. No matter what happens things continue in their course alotted to them in the begining. Our lives have meaning and our thoughts have worth. Value is intrinsic in our existence. Life is not in vain and nor are we lost without hope. We all know that we know that we feel and know that our feelings have importance to us and we all hope others feel too. One does not wonder whether they "are", we take one day at a time whether or not we believe we do. It's not news to say "today". we are all here, we are all here, we cannot be not here. Eternity is opened up to our finite eyes when someone we know dies. We get a glimpse of the depth of the true existence that God has made. We know.
Someone will always have something missing, someone will always have pain, joy, sorrow, elation, hunger, depression, wealth, etc. . So many things in this life, so many ways, so many thoughts, so many lives, so many haunts, so many loves, so many tastes. Even feeling alone is common.

Hope shines so brightly against such truth. Mercy is truely greater than justice.

for the fist time, what? oh I get it. yeah.

2005-08-04T19:56:00.000-07:00

for the first ime, recently I've been having clear visions of what I would like to see in a music video or a movie. I guess thats what directors do but it really is making sense to me on little things. Like on how people would stand and what they would do and the motion of the camera, etc. . I just hope I am actually understanding it and not just making it up because I'm excited to go to the NYFA and live in manhatten alone in an apartment, FOR FREE!!!
And now some thoughts.................................
It's so amazing how peaceful the peace of God is. How freeing and how you don't mistake the look in the eyes of someone who walks and talks with God enjoying a comunion with his/her creator, and how music can really bring us so close to what eternity is gonna be like. The songs and melodies of heaven break through into our life in so many ways. The breeze of a hot summer night, the sound of water running over rocks on it's way to the mother of waters, the ocean. The song of a testimony of a broken man yeilding to God for the first time and the beauty of the simplicty of his words and tears. The laughter of a child content with either of his parents' arms. The forever pounding of the waves on the shores of every peace of dry land is the song of creation worshiping God the Creator as they move and wash the planet with His creations. The elation of a bride and groom as their eyes meet for the first time while she walks down the aisle, crying out the ultimate in consumation yet to be had by our Groom the Lamb of God, the Holy One and HIs Bride, Us. What beauty, what brilliance, what unbelievable inteligence, what caring,what overwhelming Glory and we may never fully know why but does that even matter? How can we even stand in the face of such love? What can possibly be said to The One Who Loves us in ways that cannot be contained by our entire universe, oh that I may be worthy to look upon Him in His Glory. let us not look behind to learn, let not look to our past for meaning, let us not know any other God but God, Yahweh, hallowed be His Name forevermore. What have we gained in this life that will not be burned? what wealth could possibly matter? what possible idea could ever begin to fathom His Majesty? What story could possibly beat history?! What can we do to know more about our existance than what He has given us already in His word? never let anyone tell you this is not real. Never let them make you think that this is all made up. Who could concieve of such a story that the Creator became his creation to take His own punishment for his creation, just so He can have fellowship with it again? we stand alone in the universe as God's sons and daughters, to know HIm, to Love Him, to obey Him, live in HIm, that He would live in us, to love us, to know us, to save us. With that said, can I get an amen?

I find

2005-08-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

I find when I listen to music I feel inspired to reflect, muse, look inside myself and ponder. a single word can send me off as if the word looked back at me knowing exactly what I'm thinking or knowining exactly what I need to think about.
"interlude" I hope this is an interlude, I hope one day this weight, this "big round ball of death inside" goes away and I "wake up and realize I'm not sad anymore". Woo-boy I hope that day comes soon!!!!!!!!!There is a quality about sin that is deceiving, mabey thats not news but it is when you experience it. Sin sticks to you and covers your mind and eyes, it feels warm at first but that's only because it's the road to hell and the heat travels far up the road. It also feels warm because at the same time it sticks to you it tells you that "it's ok, there is nothing to worry about, you're fine, you're safe, just stay where you are, keep doing what you do, that's the way it is, that's life, stay, lay down and take it easy you don't have anything to worry about, I'm here to keep you warm and toasty".
Sin only takes away. It has no capacity to give. It's very presence decays. All of creation groans. I groan! The decieving nature of our heart coupled with sin and the devil and his genius, is stagering. Look at suicide bombers, the epitome of deception. One can come to the conclusion that murdering one's self and many others is the right thing to do. How utterly backwards! Yet there are those that beleive that there is no difference between good and bad and that being "nothing" is theanswer to life, how meaningless. And now the ultimate in nonsense: the belief that there is no absolutes. Funny we get told to be tolerant of other people's beliefs, and to believe that one religion is the correct one is being narrow minded. How preposterously blind and STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I am to have a faith in a religion and beleive in it and at the same time NOT believe that my religion is THE way then what is the point of having faith of any kind at all???????? But here is where the true genius and utter irony of this deception lies. I MUST BELIEVE that there is not one right religion or belief and be open minded to other people's religions. Ironic that I HAVE to look at the world in that ONE WAY. And that makes me open-minded?
I guess all I'm saying is that we can not do anything on our own, even think. Never underestimate the power of the dark side:) I feel like I should read Romans 8 right now.
Take this to heart

It's ME

2005-07-31T16:36:00.000-07:00

So my silence is probably a little unerving after that last blog, but I have been enjoying the best vacation in Maine I think I ever have. It'll be the last vacation with my sister Holly indefinetely as she is moving to Texas on Wed.. It was awesome!!!
About the NYFA I'm all set to go I just need somwhere to stay in Manhatten pretty soon, it happens a week from today. but this'll have to do for now....I'm un packing.

insides

2005-07-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

my eyes have burned a hole in my soul. my silence has put a hole in my spirit that has left me dry. the living water I have poured on the ground. all for my own pleasure and whim. the things I knew are hard to even recall. they seem like echoes that I can't make out. It's like a reverb fully decayed so it's only the overtones and the residual frequencies the you never hear anyway. I wish I could turn back time, how cliche, but then that's how cliches get started. "time took time away" how ironic, how profound how unnecissary how true how unexpected. God you are God no matter where we are, what mess I'm in please lead me out, I'm weary, worn out, lost. how is it God that I know the Way yet choose my way? all I want is peaceand joy andmusic and praise and You and love and openess, Truth, Life, goodness, you know me God what am I doing? free me Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How blessed are you in al Your ways. Your imagination is beyond comprehesion, beyond anything in creation, well duh, I guess you made, huh? The Lord be with all you readers :)

mac daddy

2005-07-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

well I'm on my new mac!! It's so cool looking, all silver and retro. Well, not real retro, in that case it would be huge, but it's not. I'm still gettint familiar with the whole system but all goes well.

what?

2005-07-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

it's funny, I was thinking about the name of my blog and the frequency of when I actually type something, when you put the 2 together it makes it seem like I don't think but every few days. :) Of course this is not true, I think about a great many things. Not all of them are blog-worthy or even speach worthy and now I've forgotten what I was going to say.
Well anyway, I'm accepted into NYFA but of course there's always one more thing. I have to send a copy of my Diploma. Oh yeah and I need a place to stay too.
I am super siked about my Mac it'll be here wed or thurs. We leave for Maine on Sat and I'm gonna get Final Cut Express right before we go so I can learn the program a bit before going to NY. Thats an editing software that you can make movies on. End.

2005-07-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

well, I'm waiting for the acceptance letter from NYFA and that'll be the green or red light for the music video class. I'm getting kinda siked for. I REALLY hope it works out, I really want to direct and I want to make money ! a.k.a. a living on it. Buying a mac tonight, cramming how to use it in three weeks because thats what they use at NYFA. I'm happy about the new computer it'll be my own!! gotta go buying it.

so begins a life opened up

2005-07-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

Thus, I will share what comes and goes...