I love this deal, I hate this deal, I have to live this deal
this is my blog. I can type whatever I want, I can say anything, think anything, be anyone I want. I'm free to do it all and be it all inside and out. this is my turf now! I'm the master, I'm the man, I'm the way it goes. Left to anyone else would it still be me? mine? Am I wrong? Do I care what i want? do I care what others think?
A friend of mine died the other day, I found out today. His dad found him after he had been dead a while. Some think it was a drug overdose. I haven't been thinking about it cause I don't want to be sad right now. It's too uncomfortable. He wasn't a christian that I could tell. That's it, gone, game over, no more chances, what a scham. I'm pissed and sad. A bit miffed at the whole thing. What's the deal God? Why him? What was it for? give me a break. Well if it was drugs then it was his own fault. What a dumb ass! He fucking ruined his life with fucking stupid ass shit!!!!! What an idiot. He quit my band back in the day because he was a pothead and couldn't remember to show up at practice. He was probably one of the nicest and coolest people I've ever met. What an ass!!!!!!!!!!!! (if it was drugs). I'm really sad about it but it's not bothering me a whole lot emotionally. I don't want to be sad right now it takes so much energy.
back to NY. I love it. What purpose do music videos have other than promoting an album or band? I love the whole process of making one but what true value does it have? I want to do it because it's fun and I like it not necissarily because I feel God calling me there. I know I can do it but should I? I really don't want to do what I'm doing now. but as it stands it's my job and I have a responsibilty to be a good worker, blah, blah, blah.......
Why does it seem ever time I come back home from somwhere I always feel stuck? it's gotta be this area, I felt it coming back fom NYC, just this heaviness in the air. People do what they do....because. Thats it just because. I need to leave this place, get out of my home, away from the "wonderful" joy of working a stupid fucking jobby job. I know nothing of the future but partsa of it scare me. You can see the affect of it in the contrast of my blogs. A roller coaster of moods and thoughts. Thats the way it goes.
I'm so sick of doing youth group. I don't want to do it anymore but now me and one other woman are the only other peopleto help the leader. Now he moved the high school to friday night so those nights are tied up. I'm so sick of being a christian here. It seemed so much moreexciting at bible school. People seemed to be more excited there to learn. You know what?I think I just need to be around people my own age more, I don't really have any close friends here anymore. And those that are around I haven't spoken with thwm for years.
I guess the ups and downs are part of life. I can't get what I want all the time. I'm pissed and tired time for bed.
A friend of mine died the other day, I found out today. His dad found him after he had been dead a while. Some think it was a drug overdose. I haven't been thinking about it cause I don't want to be sad right now. It's too uncomfortable. He wasn't a christian that I could tell. That's it, gone, game over, no more chances, what a scham. I'm pissed and sad. A bit miffed at the whole thing. What's the deal God? Why him? What was it for? give me a break. Well if it was drugs then it was his own fault. What a dumb ass! He fucking ruined his life with fucking stupid ass shit!!!!! What an idiot. He quit my band back in the day because he was a pothead and couldn't remember to show up at practice. He was probably one of the nicest and coolest people I've ever met. What an ass!!!!!!!!!!!! (if it was drugs). I'm really sad about it but it's not bothering me a whole lot emotionally. I don't want to be sad right now it takes so much energy.
back to NY. I love it. What purpose do music videos have other than promoting an album or band? I love the whole process of making one but what true value does it have? I want to do it because it's fun and I like it not necissarily because I feel God calling me there. I know I can do it but should I? I really don't want to do what I'm doing now. but as it stands it's my job and I have a responsibilty to be a good worker, blah, blah, blah.......
Why does it seem ever time I come back home from somwhere I always feel stuck? it's gotta be this area, I felt it coming back fom NYC, just this heaviness in the air. People do what they do....because. Thats it just because. I need to leave this place, get out of my home, away from the "wonderful" joy of working a stupid fucking jobby job. I know nothing of the future but partsa of it scare me. You can see the affect of it in the contrast of my blogs. A roller coaster of moods and thoughts. Thats the way it goes.
I'm so sick of doing youth group. I don't want to do it anymore but now me and one other woman are the only other peopleto help the leader. Now he moved the high school to friday night so those nights are tied up. I'm so sick of being a christian here. It seemed so much moreexciting at bible school. People seemed to be more excited there to learn. You know what?I think I just need to be around people my own age more, I don't really have any close friends here anymore. And those that are around I haven't spoken with thwm for years.
I guess the ups and downs are part of life. I can't get what I want all the time. I'm pissed and tired time for bed.
posted by Jason at 8:03 PM
3 Comments:
i struggle to care to hear from God, to learn from Him, and i realized recently, thinking back to bible school, that if i am unmotivated here or if i hate bieng a christian here than the problem is within me. then i have given something up since bible school. i have stopped wanting to hear from God because i stopped wanting it, He didnt used to make it more attractive to me. just to share, not to attack or anyhting, i just realized that all of my spiritual problems are my own fault and my own lack of discipline to carry out what i once lived.
i never think of music videos to promote the band or album, i always think of them as simply the expression of the band. art just as the music is. and i love music videos. dont know if you should do it but i dont see them as apromotional gimmick or advertising or anyhting, ive always seen them as art. simple human representation.
Thank you for saying it. I know the problem is with me, I just like to bitch and moan. It seems like the "right" thing to do sometimes. And please don't stop telling me things I need to hear I love it. Usually I think that most people don't know what the right thinkg is, if they don't say anything so when someone actually says something about what is true it feels good. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one who knows. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels good.
The irony about music videos is that it is seen as expresion and it is. But it's expression from the director not the artist. Generally a label will look through ideas that several directors have submitted to prmote an upcoming album. They pick one and adjust what they see fits best and shoot it. I agree with you though, I see a lot of them as a three dimensional view of the song.
i think that bitching and moaning might be healthy. i mean, we are going to go through these times and feel these things, and i think that it's healthier to get them in the open and share them with others so others can see that they are not alone in their experiences, also then we can help each other out too.... it's easy to live within ourselves, but we were meant for community....
maybe i should adhere to my own advice someday.
i'm sorry about your friend too, that’s so terrible.
AND about music videos and their purpose, what purpose to most of the careers we will choose have? maybe it isn't so much about finding a job that will make an impact as making an impact with our lives through whatever job we have....God's pretty freaking huge and can use us wherever we are. but i don't really feel that either. i look at my life that i'm in right now, and i can't figure out a purpose, and that frustrates me SO much.
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