shoots and ladders

the up and downs of life can really get to you. My friend Kevin died on the same day of my first screening of my first music video.The joy and saddness really don't mix well. All this when I'm also feeling lonely and want someone special in my life. Am I going to go insane? can't tell all I know is I'm gonna be real sad tommorow. The memorial service is tommorow and it's gonna suck. He wasn't a christian that I could tell so there will be an overwhelming sense of death and loss, heaviness I have felt before at another friend's funeral. Such sadness makes you want to give up on life. It makes everything seem meaningless and pointless, a life waisted, gone.............
I know I have a purpose in life but exactly what that is is yet to be realized. I also feel a resistance to wanting to do what I might be given. Alas, I will move on as always. How sad I am!