The well runs deep. The rope is broken. The bucket lost
I suppose I shouldn't be so negative, it is my tendency after all. I am just so blah, down, out, apathetic, hopeless. It just doesn't feel rigtht, I guess. I am not myself. Maybe I'm down cause Holly went back to school. Maybe I'm lonely. I do miss being in love. I miss doing nice things for someone while having them do the same out of sheer fun and joy of making someone happy.
I really am a mess I guess. I am so tired of doing youth group while at the same time having a very good time everytime I go. I think I need to go. I am such a loser, it's weird, I can say that and mean it not necissarily in a bad way, just a truthful, descriptive way. I know I have gifts and talents and am smart, but I also live at home with mommy and daddy, get my supper cooked for me every night, don't worry about bills other than car insurrence, cell phone and my very low rent. Oh, well that's that.
I had a great idea for a song, well, I had the guitar parts I just had an idea about how to put them together. But, alas, I have lost the motivation to pursue it. Actually I had planned on recording the bass line tonight, instead I spent 3 hours online, watched an episode of MASK and Are you being Served?. All enjoyable things, but not what originally planned or wanted. It bothers me to a point, then I just say "oh well" and the feeling fades.
Thats one of the things I have "learned/noticed", I can control what bothers me. I can either let something bother me or not. I have to do it at work all the time. That's where I have learned to control my fear and emotions maybe too much, that I have just hardened my heart. I miss feeling at all, I guess.
I was moved rather suddenly by "The Liion, Wich, Wardrobe...". Whenever Lucy cried I did. It was beautiful. I realized that I miss feeling good emotion, passion, anything that'll bring a tear to my eye.
Some day you'll see my name in lights, somwhere. I've got a well to give from, it will find a way out.
I really am a mess I guess. I am so tired of doing youth group while at the same time having a very good time everytime I go. I think I need to go. I am such a loser, it's weird, I can say that and mean it not necissarily in a bad way, just a truthful, descriptive way. I know I have gifts and talents and am smart, but I also live at home with mommy and daddy, get my supper cooked for me every night, don't worry about bills other than car insurrence, cell phone and my very low rent. Oh, well that's that.
I had a great idea for a song, well, I had the guitar parts I just had an idea about how to put them together. But, alas, I have lost the motivation to pursue it. Actually I had planned on recording the bass line tonight, instead I spent 3 hours online, watched an episode of MASK and Are you being Served?. All enjoyable things, but not what originally planned or wanted. It bothers me to a point, then I just say "oh well" and the feeling fades.
Thats one of the things I have "learned/noticed", I can control what bothers me. I can either let something bother me or not. I have to do it at work all the time. That's where I have learned to control my fear and emotions maybe too much, that I have just hardened my heart. I miss feeling at all, I guess.
I was moved rather suddenly by "The Liion, Wich, Wardrobe...". Whenever Lucy cried I did. It was beautiful. I realized that I miss feeling good emotion, passion, anything that'll bring a tear to my eye.
Some day you'll see my name in lights, somwhere. I've got a well to give from, it will find a way out.
posted by Jason at 8:48 PM
3 Comments:
I had a few years of ignoring my feelings, but it's been amazing as I've been stopping doing certain things how God has been softening my heart and making me sensitive again.
I find whenever I feel down, lonely, etc. I have to observe where I'm spending my time and what I'm "feeding" myself. It's interesting to see which days are up and down and what the difference is in how I spend my time and what I'm thinking about.
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jason sometimes i am shocked how you speak my life.
i relate strongest to your words, "It bothers me to a point, then I just say "oh well" and the feeling fades." i am also so able to do that, and also correlate that talent to the jobs i have had, and somehow i really regret it, but even my regret does not become much motivation as i just shrug and say "oh well".
i feel often that i have simply turned off my life, and i wish i hadnt, and i want to return to some emotions i once had, and yet i dont.
also i live at home, and it is hard, and no one i know lives at home, and though often adults encourage me to "take my time" here and not to rush into school, still the stigma is printed deep within my mind "LOSER" i wish i could shake it. oh well.
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