*hhhhhhhhhhhh* I don't mean to offend, just complain
That last post was a frustrated sigh. An exhale of thoughts and dreams with a little chuckle at the end. Mabey it was a laugh at myself. Maybe it was glance of "are you sure, man ?" at myself. I'm not sure. But really it was that I try to post photos and I get so pissed when it doesn't work then I give up.
I wish I could know what to do. Everything I think I want to do in life or actually try for a while, eventually I always end not seeing the point of even trying to do it. Like, any job, except for performing music (because I get almost no greater thrill in this life) I project myself doing, I can always see myself getting tired of it. EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! So why does anybody do anything??? We work just to have money to live. And that job, aside from doctors and farmers, just seems so pointless. Even popular jobs that seem cool or important but all you ever do is just: design websites, crunch numbers(accountants,tellers, stock brokers), serve people(any customer service), argue for or against someone in court (lawyers), tell people things that were told to you (teachers), build things (construction), design things. All of those things seem so pointless, it's like endless and I would get so bored. And it's like WHAT'S THE POINT? Is that all there is in life???? Is that the only thing we have to look forward to is work???? We do our job and then what? We do our job again.
I know that wasn't an exhaustive list of jobs but really, anything can get there if I think it through to conclusion. Am I the only one who thinks like this? Am I crazy? Does anyone else see the almost pointlessness of life? It's like one big cosmic joke that man has played on itself! Perhaps I am just seeing the Curse clearly now. But whatever the case I just have lost all my sense of purpose and use. I make music, thats all I consistently enjoy, but I don't always feel like doing THAT.
I have lost my steam in learning French. I have a test tommorrow and I haven't looked at my books for two weeks. I am a fucking idiot. Well I always was a bad homework doer. I only ever did as much to squeek by, never more, never "to my potential"!! There really is no heavier burden to carry then the knowledge that I could do so much if I weren't so lazy. Then I get all these old people telling me to enjoy my youth and don't rush things, well count me in there, I certainly haven't rushed. N Nuff for today
I wish I could know what to do. Everything I think I want to do in life or actually try for a while, eventually I always end not seeing the point of even trying to do it. Like, any job, except for performing music (because I get almost no greater thrill in this life) I project myself doing, I can always see myself getting tired of it. EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! So why does anybody do anything??? We work just to have money to live. And that job, aside from doctors and farmers, just seems so pointless. Even popular jobs that seem cool or important but all you ever do is just: design websites, crunch numbers(accountants,tellers, stock brokers), serve people(any customer service), argue for or against someone in court (lawyers), tell people things that were told to you (teachers), build things (construction), design things. All of those things seem so pointless, it's like endless and I would get so bored. And it's like WHAT'S THE POINT? Is that all there is in life???? Is that the only thing we have to look forward to is work???? We do our job and then what? We do our job again.
I know that wasn't an exhaustive list of jobs but really, anything can get there if I think it through to conclusion. Am I the only one who thinks like this? Am I crazy? Does anyone else see the almost pointlessness of life? It's like one big cosmic joke that man has played on itself! Perhaps I am just seeing the Curse clearly now. But whatever the case I just have lost all my sense of purpose and use. I make music, thats all I consistently enjoy, but I don't always feel like doing THAT.
I have lost my steam in learning French. I have a test tommorrow and I haven't looked at my books for two weeks. I am a fucking idiot. Well I always was a bad homework doer. I only ever did as much to squeek by, never more, never "to my potential"!! There really is no heavier burden to carry then the knowledge that I could do so much if I weren't so lazy. Then I get all these old people telling me to enjoy my youth and don't rush things, well count me in there, I certainly haven't rushed. N Nuff for today
posted by Jason at 2:40 PM
4 Comments:
Funny you should write this. Just yesterday I read a short story by Margaret Atwood, and in it a women was asking much the same type of questions, about how meaningless life was. Her I'll type out a bit from the story:
"...It was only because I found reality so unsatisfactory; that was my story. So unfinished, so sloppy, so pointless, so endless. I wanted things to make sense. I thought Joseph would try to convince me that reality was actually fine and dandy and then try to adjust me to it, but he didn't do that. Instead he agreed with me, cheerfully and at once. Life in most was was a big pile of shit, he said. That was axiomatic. "Think of it as a desert island," he said. "You're stuck on it, now you have to decide how best to cope." "Until rescued?" I said. "Forget about the rescue," he said."..."
---back to me now --- I don't know if that above quote means anything, but I thought it was something for me to consider.
I hope you can find some way to make your music your life Jason!. And good luck on your French! Are you taking a course in it?
I bought a few work books and am taking private lessons. I like the quote, I like how the guy responds "cheerfully and at once".
it depends on how you look at it, those jobs are all high callings. they design, interpret, serve, defend, inspire, and create!
that is what i thought when i first read your post, that your perspective is skewed.
then i remembered - i have hated every job i have ever had. and i havent worked now for six months, and i have gone soft.
i have forgotten how shitty and pointless and TRAPPED i always have felt when working.
im sorry, jason. soon and very soon i will be working again, and fighting with life also. thank you for speaking clearly the crap of it.
my mother says, that we work, because we have to work, and you dont think about it because you dont like it, you just do it.
it's bleak, but it's true. i hope dearly that you can break out and find/be something you love. i dont know what it is for me yet, ive just temporarily escaped.
You're not the only one to think this way indeed!! Just read Ecclesiastes. Solomon felt exactly the same way, yet he concluded that everything is only meaningless when it didn't include or rather center around God.
This is the difficult part, because we tend to equate that to needing to work in ministry in order to have a job that centers around the Lord. I definately felt this way when I was working in a mailroom, but as I look back, I see that there was so much ministry opportunity that was both missed out on and capitalized on. and in the same way, ministry can be just a job and thus become meaningless.
I think this is the key, and the most difficult for me to internalise/externalise; "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess 5:16-18
Oh that this were only true of me
On a related note I haven't written a full song in almost three years.
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