New lyrics

This one is one of my newest songs, I don't have a final line yet but the music is finished.

" 'Never', can always take on life
When we never let anything go.
Grasping to ideals of our fantasies
Watching and waiting
Ignoring our complacencies

'Today', can creep up on us all,
When we always look inside.
Laughing and crying,
Hatred and love
We can't escape from
The One who is above.

Is yesterday what I think it was?
Did I stay in the dream because
I didn't want to, didn't want to, didn't want to
Let it go, for
Who I am?
Who I am now?

Find me, oh Lord find me now.
Take me far, far away from here.
Count all my failures
Count them success

"


That gap is where the final line will be. I wil post it when it's done.
Until next time.

Whirlwind.

So begins a new world and adjustment within. I still have to fight my laziness and desire to do nothing. I almost feel guilty about not doing much, though i do NOT want to go back. I also still don't know if this is what God wants me to do, I just feel like if I don't do something I will die an old man who has bagged 1,000,000 bags of groceries and said the words "paper" and "plastic" just as many times.
Having spent some time with someone from the music industry, today I can see my limitations and weaknesses in talent. Though he does say I can do it if I stick with it. My voice is my biggest weakness right now, that I will work on. I don't want to talk about my future too much 'cause it always seems to not happen the more I talk about whatever it is. But for the fall I still am not sure about where to go. PLease Pray for me there.
I fight nervousness pretty consciously and never really pray about it too much....a mistake, I know. I have to keep my head clear or I just sit and do nothing pretty regularly. I am scared. I am determined. I am not sure except that I'm sure I'm doing it. What a whirlwind!

Allo allo.

I have not totally abandoned my blog, just have not felt like blogging. Some things have cahnged in my life. I have decided to quit my job May 11. I will probably do part time jobs for the catering department. An maybe work a little at the Vinyard I used to work at too.
My idea is to spend the summer working on my music, playing coffee houses and such and playing drums in a band too. Then in the fall do some education thing, do'nt quite know what yet but hopefully musical oriented.
God willing this will happen, if not I'm sure you will hear about it. I do tend to whine a bit.

myshame.com

well I guess I have to admit it sometime. I now have a myspace. Yup, I caved in. "thebantaman" is my site.
Perhaps my reasons aren't all that shallow. I saw a lot of old classmates at a recent reunion of a ska band that we went to high school with. They were pretty big in the region and did a benefit reunion to help pay for the hospital bills of a guy we were all friends with.
It was AWESOME!!! So, many of the old "schoolers" have myspaces and wanted to keep in touch. Also I want to stay up to date as to what happens with some of the kids in our youth group. "Flashpoint" is the name of our youth group. So there you have it, another statistic.

Chin up.

I sometimes regret leaving such a bummer of a post as my last one for a while. I'm not always so blue, I just use the blog as a vent sometimes.

Born in the USA

I originally wondered who had the final say whether something was a high calling or important. The people who look at the job from the outside or the people doing the job? The whole celebrity phenomenom is something I've thought about for a while. The idea that someone or something is great or extraordinary seems to be almost completely subjective. I have befriended a few "famous"people over the past few years and have discovered the fame thing to be very amusing. They are the friends I know and they either have worked with or arefabulous musicians. They are nice guys and very enjoyable to be around. But to me they are just guys who have been in the right place at the right time and or happen to be very talented.

To see how people act around them is hilarious, because they just fumble or get red or talk to them as if they are superheroes. They themselves might not be so siked about what they do, or at least not as much as their fans are. So it begs the question, who decides what value something is? The people who look at the job or the people doing the job? I have played music very poorly and had people compliment me or say it was great. Who was right? Me or the listener. I know that if they were "impressed" then I was "effective", but is what they heard actually good?

So if the jobs I have done or do are percieved as good/important yet I don't feel they are, at what point do I decide or conceed?

I truly do understand where the writer of Ecc. was coming from. He was depressed/distressed/disillusioned. And so am I.

*hhhhhhhhhhhh* I don't mean to offend, just complain

That last post was a frustrated sigh. An exhale of thoughts and dreams with a little chuckle at the end. Mabey it was a laugh at myself. Maybe it was glance of "are you sure, man ?" at myself. I'm not sure. But really it was that I try to post photos and I get so pissed when it doesn't work then I give up.
I wish I could know what to do. Everything I think I want to do in life or actually try for a while, eventually I always end not seeing the point of even trying to do it. Like, any job, except for performing music (because I get almost no greater thrill in this life) I project myself doing, I can always see myself getting tired of it. EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! So why does anybody do anything??? We work just to have money to live. And that job, aside from doctors and farmers, just seems so pointless. Even popular jobs that seem cool or important but all you ever do is just: design websites, crunch numbers(accountants,tellers, stock brokers), serve people(any customer service), argue for or against someone in court (lawyers), tell people things that were told to you (teachers), build things (construction), design things. All of those things seem so pointless, it's like endless and I would get so bored. And it's like WHAT'S THE POINT? Is that all there is in life???? Is that the only thing we have to look forward to is work???? We do our job and then what? We do our job again.
I know that wasn't an exhaustive list of jobs but really, anything can get there if I think it through to conclusion. Am I the only one who thinks like this? Am I crazy? Does anyone else see the almost pointlessness of life? It's like one big cosmic joke that man has played on itself! Perhaps I am just seeing the Curse clearly now. But whatever the case I just have lost all my sense of purpose and use. I make music, thats all I consistently enjoy, but I don't always feel like doing THAT.
I have lost my steam in learning French. I have a test tommorrow and I haven't looked at my books for two weeks. I am a fucking idiot. Well I always was a bad homework doer. I only ever did as much to squeek by, never more, never "to my potential"!! There really is no heavier burden to carry then the knowledge that I could do so much if I weren't so lazy. Then I get all these old people telling me to enjoy my youth and don't rush things, well count me in there, I certainly haven't rushed. N Nuff for today