Emotion and zeal= love for the lost relationships

what a difference a couple pictures can make to my heart. Just a few pictures of people at PdF brings back a thought and recollection of the relationship I have neglected. My heart and mind have been so into me. So into the things of the world and not those of the Body. My thoughts of career and musicsal energy have been all in the realm of the secular music biz, but oh how small and limited. How hollow and naive of me to think that any success there would bring me satisfaction.
Oh, I still want the material benefits of a large income but the "hope" I put in them has been shown pale in comparison to the joy I have, until recently, forgotten. My only hope and prayer is that this won't fade and my zeal will be sustained. My heart does ache though that it might be impossible to visit the boys in QC. Not enough time in advance to ask off and traveling in the winter through mountains is foolish. Alas, I am moved again to song and guitar to further communicate my emotion.

"I can't remember"

so i made a music video with my sister and brother. I'm gonna try and put it on stupidvideos.com or ifilm.com. I'm happy with it. It's to the song "Amnesia" a Chumbawumba song, it's a blast.There are some really funny spots in it, my bro and I dance a little gay, individually not together! LOL its soo funny. I also found a spot where I do this incredibly gay motion with my hands and head, its awsome. I didn't notice it until I was watching the playback with my sister and we just screamed it was/is so funny. I of course left it in.
So I gotta figure out how to commpress the thing to be shown on the web.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

WOW! That's all I have to say. I just saw The Constant Gardener at Revival House, I was impressed.
Suffering in Africa is happening all the time, I have heard it said by an African that no one cares what happens in Africa. This movie shows some of the destitution that is there. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to live like that.
I am once again moved with an indescribable emotion. It's part sadness, part amazment, part sympathy, part anger, part anger, part anger, part indifference, part apalled. I am amazed that these people who are among the most emotive, passionate, kind humans on the planet live like dogs!!!! I am amazed that the world I live in, N. America, knows/cares very little on a daily basis about the well being of anyone but themselves. I am amazed at how I am moved by the sights of dying children to both horror AND APATHY at the same time. I am disturbed by it. I care and then I don't.
What does one do about these attrocities? What CAN someone do about it? Are we all simply limitedto help oneperson at a time? Are we really tied down by our physcal limitations of just being able to "help" out at a mission somewhere? I always feel that it's good to have people helping where they can and have always let them do what they do. Then I have always had a part of me say that their help is only limited and can only do so much good. They go into it wanting to "change the world" and I thinkto myself be real, you can only help as many as your able, the world will always have horrible things happening. I never suggest nor say don't bother, but I always feel that thought take over at the same time.
I know that helping even one life is good and invaluable to that person but I am always left feeling unsatisfied whenever I hear that or think it. I just want MORE!!!!!!!!! One is not enough, there needs to be redemption for everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And here is where my passion and apathy colide with a deafening roar of confusion in my head. What the hell am I to do about it????????
Do I sponser a kid? Do I make donations to honest charities? Do I become a missionary to Africa and just do whatever I am physically capable of? Do I make noise here in America in a futile attempt to get people to, again, notice the suffering only to have the awareness fade like every other stupid fuking fad this fucked up culture embraces for a cheap fuck and good bye? It's so messed up!!!! I am so fucking riled up and heart broken, I don't know what I'm feeling, I just want to scream at all the stupid motherfucking injustice, hate, hunger, apathy, capatalism, GREEEEEEEDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS FUCKING PLANET!!!!!!!!! Why can't Jesus just come back now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????????????? Get it done and over with. It's so overwhleming, yet it's nothing compared to the what THE HOLY ONE sees every minute. We truly are wicked to the core, never doubt that. Our flesh is truly worthy of Hell. WE ALL DESERVE HELL!! Amazing Love, how can it be...?

The well runs deep. The rope is broken. The bucket lost

I suppose I shouldn't be so negative, it is my tendency after all. I am just so blah, down, out, apathetic, hopeless. It just doesn't feel rigtht, I guess. I am not myself. Maybe I'm down cause Holly went back to school. Maybe I'm lonely. I do miss being in love. I miss doing nice things for someone while having them do the same out of sheer fun and joy of making someone happy.
I really am a mess I guess. I am so tired of doing youth group while at the same time having a very good time everytime I go. I think I need to go. I am such a loser, it's weird, I can say that and mean it not necissarily in a bad way, just a truthful, descriptive way. I know I have gifts and talents and am smart, but I also live at home with mommy and daddy, get my supper cooked for me every night, don't worry about bills other than car insurrence, cell phone and my very low rent. Oh, well that's that.
I had a great idea for a song, well, I had the guitar parts I just had an idea about how to put them together. But, alas, I have lost the motivation to pursue it. Actually I had planned on recording the bass line tonight, instead I spent 3 hours online, watched an episode of MASK and Are you being Served?. All enjoyable things, but not what originally planned or wanted. It bothers me to a point, then I just say "oh well" and the feeling fades.
Thats one of the things I have "learned/noticed", I can control what bothers me. I can either let something bother me or not. I have to do it at work all the time. That's where I have learned to control my fear and emotions maybe too much, that I have just hardened my heart. I miss feeling at all, I guess.
I was moved rather suddenly by "The Liion, Wich, Wardrobe...". Whenever Lucy cried I did. It was beautiful. I realized that I miss feeling good emotion, passion, anything that'll bring a tear to my eye.
Some day you'll see my name in lights, somwhere. I've got a well to give from, it will find a way out.

the end is near. ;)

here's a random thought that i should say before I look like a loser. I have been saying for a few years now that i think 2006 will be the year we start seeing prophecies fulfilled in the middle east. I'm not a date setter, I just think that this year we will see a beginning of the end. Now it probably seems pretentious for me to say that on the day Sharon has a stroke, but it did remind me of my though/feeling. I thought I should post it officially, even though I could always change the date on my blog. Oh well, just take my word for it. keep your eyes and ears open.