the things that make the world go 'round

man, I love Matt Mclean he's so cool.

I have forgotten a lot of the raw open emotions I felt while at bible school. Seeing the photos again "warms my heart". So much has changed since then. And so much hasn't. This week will be interesting. I can't wait to see the old friends, see them away from bible school. What are we like with no curfew? No Paul and Judy, no Steve, no Bec Sucre?

Celebration is a wonderful thing, thank You God for inventing parties! What fun it will be to celebrate together the union of a sister and brother in Christ. Can't get much better than that! And the weather should be awesome! upper 70's and 80's= that's 20's for those who partake of the metric sort.

*change of subject*
Man I hate work. It's more like I hate that I don't enjoy it more. It's not creative and I want to exercize my creativivty way more. It's grown an expanded. I feel it flow through me at times. It wil surge now and then and I usually have no outlet. I need a band or something. But I always come back to ; what's my porpose in life? meaning what am I going to do as a career? I have musical abilities, I have siniging abilities, I guess I have an ok eye for photography,etc. I like talking about being a christian and the bible. I'm a good multitasker and can handle angry people pretty dern well. Mabey there are suggestions out there? I'm open to ideas cause I have a limited brain.

it's me again!!!!! :) yay...

surprise, I bet you'd never think I'd be posting on this blog? It' not like I'd ever done it before. Yeah, so I'm excited to go to CO! It's gonna be a blast. wow Brittanie married! Who will be next? Who will go down the aisle next? will it be me? will it be you? will it be Graham? I hope Graham gets a wonderful woman of God, he deserves it. I hope I do too. well I guess if I marry her she will be, eh? (that "eh" was for you Canadians:) ) Because I will never propose to someone who isn't someone I want to spend my life with, duh! Am I talking? Sometimes I will go off and have a converstion with myself, you know, ask a question you already know the answer to. Maybe you don't know but I do, that's all that matters right now as I am having a "conversation" with no one in particular. gee maybe I should shut up?
I'm so pissed! I forgot to ask off work tonight so now I'm missing an awesome concert that woulod have been for free. And I just heard on the radio that, like, a bunch of metal bands that I like are playing. Shit man, I'm pissed. Not really angry, just really, really bumed. Man, hanging around with a lot of non-christians takes away the stigma of swearing. I find myself swearing a lot more now. I guess I should stop, it is offensive. And counts as "filthy language" from my lips. Fuck it. LOL Just kidding, I thought I'd use the shock value of it to make my point. Sorry.
Well, it's been fun but now I must go and play bedtime for real and sleep.

Pudge

my blogs have been so long and heavy, and probably not much fun to read, but I'm not always like that. I saw my old drummer at Godo's funeral and he has become a strongman. Check out his website: hometown.aol.com/mattinfernus/intro.html He's heavier and stronger than ever. Tell me what you think...

Hallowed be His Name

I love how music moves through me. it moves my mind, heart, soul, emotions. It feels so good to hear a song that rocks, meaning one I really like. U2 is the best, man, I love them!!!! They are so awesome! Even better than the real thing... Some days are better then others, Miami, "40", with or without you and of course mabey my favorite, Where the streets have no name. Golly they sure do get me excited! They're the coolest doods this side of the....ocean?
Like a song my life has a chorus, bridge and verse. In a good song there will be a chorus that has a singable melody and easy to understand words. The verse takes it down a notch so you can listen to what the words say and have a place to build from; up to the chorus. The bridge after the second chorus changes the flow of the song a bit to give it more texture and feeling, so as not to become boring. A solo is a kind of release of the music, letting the musicians have some fun by letting loose. The solo also gives the listener a break from the words and melody, and gives them time to think about the words and the approaching last chorus. The last chorus is the culmination of all the different levels of the song; like bringing in an instrument only played during the verse, or a counter melody sung in the bridge. All brining the listener to the end of the song, hopefully giving them a sense of satisfaction and release..
Any good song has repitition of any of those parts. My life has repitition, and it's not all good. The tension built up in the verse which leads to the chorus is similar to the "stuff" I feel rightnow. My only hope is that, like a good song, a chorus is approaching to bring relief. Now a good chorus is singable,some are catchy, and yet others are those bad songs that nobody wants to hear. And those are the ones that get stuck in your head. So my hope is that a chorus will come soon and not one that will suck and get stuck in my head, if you get what I mean. I want a chorus that will have a soaring meledoy that will rouse my soul into an uncontrolable yell of excitment and pure elation. I want to be completely lost in the song so as to not to notice or care about anything but the melody and song. I want my heart to be completely enveloped by the words, my life to be carried along in the singing and my body jumping for joy with the sheer enjoyment of knowing that there is still the rest of the song!!!!! Only the moment will matter, only my love for my wife will drive me to honor, cherish and care for her, for ever and ever. She will have no doubts about my love, she will know I care by what I do and not only by what I say. We will both know that each of us is putting God before us, therefore trusting each other without thought or hesitation. So strong will our commitment be that no one would ever think anything other than hope for our future. Goodness will be with us, follow us the rest of our days, for the Lord is good.
God, free me from my prison. Shine on me that I may rise and wake, I am sleeping. I am not awake, mythoughts are not yours, my heart is deceieved willingly, my life is not yours. I'm not where you wnat me, I am trapped of my own accord, beyond repair, you must free me, restore me, grow me. All my understanding cannot know this trap I'm in, only you know. Only you know the way. When it all comes back and I am returned to who I am, you will know no other than what I am, all of me. Hallowed be your Name.

are we here yet?

funny, all this free time and no thoughts to type. nothing to say just sit and stare at the screen. mabey I'll just keep typing until I can think of something. no I think I'll just say I miss being in a band, rocking out and giving my all on stage. It's so fun, what a blast! I t's all I can do to think of it, it's been so long. I hung out with Phinn to day for the first time in years, it was great, I missed him. He said him and the rest of the guys are going to beat the rock back into me. Awesome. I've petered out over the past five years, my fire is gone. Even for the Lord. I guess that would seem scary but I know God doesn't give up on me, even when I do. I am so ready for life to move on but it just goes by instead. Funny, EH? how that whole thing works out. I am really starting to feel my age now, with all the old gang being married and having kids and all, man I want a wife so bad. It'll get better, this too shall pass. But of course ,when, is the real question, God knows. What do I do? I don't know......................it seems so easy to read this but it's funnyhow it is real and not a story you read. The scarriest part about all I've said is that it is so cliche, so said already, nothing new under the sun. Strange how hard it is for a man to admit he's scared. well I'm here and I am. To be continued...

nothing? no-how?

there are some things that seem to have no purpose. Like the death of young people or the death of infants. Many ask God why, because it makes no sense or feels unfair to us, etc. . Accidents and murders, just watch the news you know what I'm talking about. I CERTAINLY DO feel the emotions that come from those kinds of things, like this week, but I also, when the emotions have settled, look at a lot of things as "just the way 'it' goes". .
Meaning: God set up the world to work within certain perameters, such as the laws of physics, emotional make-ups, etc.. Example: my friend Kevin. He probably used drugs because he liked the way they felt. They may also have salved some pain he had deep down, perhaps beyond his perception, so it felt good to be high in many dimentions. So naturally he would seek out different highs as he went on in life. ( man, I miss him!) He put too much of the chemical into his blood for his body to filter, so his heart stopped. That is why he died. The way God designed life is that if we experience things that are upsetting we feel pain, and if foreign chemicals are introduced we get sick. We have limitations built in, when those limitations are breeched, bad things happen, that's "how it is". Our physical world is amazingly crafted!
Because sin, pain, death and sadness weren't in God's intended creation and design of us, they have terrible effects on us.
Death especially. It hits us hard, shakes us way deep down in our spirits and souls, it sends emotional ripples out through large distances because we are eternal in our spirits and should be one, in harmony and peace in paradise. It hurts always, it's sad always, it sucks always.
Forgive me if this seems cold. I am in no way under any dilusions that death is meaningless. Nor am I trying to negate anyones sorrow for a lost one, I am familiar in some ways with the loss of a close one, having lost three good friends now and a couple people I was aquainted with in church on a regular basis. God always has a plan and reason, all I am saying is that I, PERSONALLY, am ok with not really worrying about why God allowed someting to happen because I feel we will never know some things. God always knows, therefore I rest in that alone.

The Leonard's house.

Funeral day was bad/good. I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in like 6,7,8,9, years, all from the scene. Some changed some didn't. I was really happy to see Pudge. I missed him. He's still with Jeff, 9 years now, wow! Good for them , I guess. Dayne, Jut, Phinn, Sean Foster, Emily, Mikey Lidner Oogy, Bob, the whole Leonard clan.
Afetr the service I went to luch with Dayne, Pudge, Phinn, Jut, and Jim, what a good time. The real "fun" was at night at the Leonard's. 150 people showed up to "party" in honor of Kevin. It was awesome!! There was free beer in an inflatable raft filled with ice (Bob's idea, of course), some of Kev's hippy friends off drumming their jmbe's smoking weed, other groups just drinking and hanging out talking. Bob was drinking, of course and surrounded with tons of Kevin's friends talking telling his dirty stories and jokes, etc. . You could feel the sorrow and love in the air. As drunk as everyone got there was always respect when things got out of hand, someone would always be like "hey guys, Kevin" . It was all so overwhelming.
Kevin (Godo) would have loved his ash ceremony. His fiance spread some of his ashes on sever large cannister fireworks in the middle of their field. It was almost midnight, almost a full moon, bright in the partly cloudy sky, 60 people gathered to watch in a drunken sorrow with an almost festive mood. No lights were on as the moonlight lit the field as Theresea and his step-mom spread the ashes on the tops of the fireworks. As they were finishing people began to sniff and shout "come on". Fireworks lit, a cheer at the top of the voice, then started the chant of his name "KEVIN, KEVIN, KEVIN!!!" mixed with just random yells of the sad and myself, tears came, choking sobs, overwhelmed with the lights, flashes, and noise of the roaring croud..............you cannot ask for a better memorial. As they burned longer and longer the chanting faded, the shouts became quieter and the real sobbing could be heard evrywhere. The realization of his death closed in on me and I joined the crying for a spell, I could not ask for a better way of celebrating him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It would have made him proud. The pain..........In all my days I will never forget him. In all my days I will never forget that experience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!One cannot know the power of that monent unless they were there. Pray for the Leonards! PLease.

love runs deep

love runs deep. evryone has love but it's not always at the surface.sometimes we don' t know that we love until everything around it is shaken so all that remains still and constant is that love. love connects us. we all have love at some level for something, and we share it at times that call for it to be shown or expressed. I love Bob. I love Kevin. Those two men have affected me in ways I''m just starting to see. man I'm gonna mis him. I already do , even though I haven't seen him in almost five years.
death hurts. it hurts deeply it burns the mind and feels the soul with it's fingers of pain. there is something about death that makes it scary and unique. death is a mystery, no one knows death, they see it but it cannot be studied. it is final. it hurts. it is NOT SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN!! that is why it hurts, it's not the way we're suppose to be. God never intended us to die. it's a perversion of life. the physical result of our sin, the wages of sin is death.
Bob is one of the nicest people I've ever met. he's the most vulgar, coarse, loud man I've ever met, but there is a love in him that just poors out. everyone who hears his dirty jokes or language can tell he's harmless. And his son was just like him, oh how sad this day is...............................................what a life he lived what a musician, what taste for music, the man, the dude, Godo, Kevin Leonard. God rest his soul, please!!!!!!!!!!!pain, tears, love, laughter, family, knowledge, understanding, compassion, it's all here in my heart, I pour it out to his family.

This is it, man.

"And so, I never wanted it to be this way.
Without his smile, laughter, music, lingo, presence.
I knew he was there, though I wasn't there.
What a guy he was.

He's gone, left us, off to, the next show

Never knew another quite like him
Never knew a nicer, friendly guy
Music knew no boundries in his soul
Now I must say good-bye Godo.

Oh how I will miss him
Strange how life can seem so short

Eternity creeps upon our reality
Life and Death don't seem so far apart
We all know that the "someday" comes, someday
But it's "why, oh why" we ask in our hearts."

lyrics to his song I wrote today. I'm so not ready to go to his funeral. Too much

shoots and ladders

the up and downs of life can really get to you. My friend Kevin died on the same day of my first screening of my first music video.The joy and saddness really don't mix well. All this when I'm also feeling lonely and want someone special in my life. Am I going to go insane? can't tell all I know is I'm gonna be real sad tommorow. The memorial service is tommorow and it's gonna suck. He wasn't a christian that I could tell so there will be an overwhelming sense of death and loss, heaviness I have felt before at another friend's funeral. Such sadness makes you want to give up on life. It makes everything seem meaningless and pointless, a life waisted, gone.............
I know I have a purpose in life but exactly what that is is yet to be realized. I also feel a resistance to wanting to do what I might be given. Alas, I will move on as always. How sad I am!

the royal tenenbaums

man, the Royal Tenenbaums RULES. It's so off yet funny and realistic. Family is key, there is nothing like it.

I love this deal, I hate this deal, I have to live this deal

this is my blog. I can type whatever I want, I can say anything, think anything, be anyone I want. I'm free to do it all and be it all inside and out. this is my turf now! I'm the master, I'm the man, I'm the way it goes. Left to anyone else would it still be me? mine? Am I wrong? Do I care what i want? do I care what others think?
A friend of mine died the other day, I found out today. His dad found him after he had been dead a while. Some think it was a drug overdose. I haven't been thinking about it cause I don't want to be sad right now. It's too uncomfortable. He wasn't a christian that I could tell. That's it, gone, game over, no more chances, what a scham. I'm pissed and sad. A bit miffed at the whole thing. What's the deal God? Why him? What was it for? give me a break. Well if it was drugs then it was his own fault. What a dumb ass! He fucking ruined his life with fucking stupid ass shit!!!!! What an idiot. He quit my band back in the day because he was a pothead and couldn't remember to show up at practice. He was probably one of the nicest and coolest people I've ever met. What an ass!!!!!!!!!!!! (if it was drugs). I'm really sad about it but it's not bothering me a whole lot emotionally. I don't want to be sad right now it takes so much energy.
back to NY. I love it. What purpose do music videos have other than promoting an album or band? I love the whole process of making one but what true value does it have? I want to do it because it's fun and I like it not necissarily because I feel God calling me there. I know I can do it but should I? I really don't want to do what I'm doing now. but as it stands it's my job and I have a responsibilty to be a good worker, blah, blah, blah.......
Why does it seem ever time I come back home from somwhere I always feel stuck? it's gotta be this area, I felt it coming back fom NYC, just this heaviness in the air. People do what they do....because. Thats it just because. I need to leave this place, get out of my home, away from the "wonderful" joy of working a stupid fucking jobby job. I know nothing of the future but partsa of it scare me. You can see the affect of it in the contrast of my blogs. A roller coaster of moods and thoughts. Thats the way it goes.
I'm so sick of doing youth group. I don't want to do it anymore but now me and one other woman are the only other peopleto help the leader. Now he moved the high school to friday night so those nights are tied up. I'm so sick of being a christian here. It seemed so much moreexciting at bible school. People seemed to be more excited there to learn. You know what?I think I just need to be around people my own age more, I don't really have any close friends here anymore. And those that are around I haven't spoken with thwm for years.
I guess the ups and downs are part of life. I can't get what I want all the time. I'm pissed and tired time for bed.

the city that never sleeps

I LOVE NEW YORK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS SO FRICKIN AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ILOVE IT, I LOVE IT ILOVE IT. Nothing beats New York! Aside from walking in the wilderness what can't you do in New York? I love it. I'm back and tired. I've lost weight, a little more in shape and have a kick ass music video that I helped direct and edited myself! I must say I did not want to come home to "exciting" Ledyard.
Our main teacher was awesome. He's a producer he mainly does music videos and documentaries, but he taught us all the main basics of all the main departments in a production. I know so much more now on makiing movies and videos. I am confident that with a budget and a crew I could direct my own video.
On one of the day's, a classmate and I were walking in Washington Square and saw a real hollywood set right there. We saw Alfred Molina and Richard Geer in person, they were in taxi cab with the Square as the backdrop and a bunch of extras dressed as hippies, it was prettty cool. I'm gonna try and put my cut of the video on this site but it will take a while as I don't know how to do that yet. I love New York!

NYC or Bust but hopefully I don't bust

Well this is my last night before going to NYC, gotta pack and review the subway map. I'm a little worried about my car. I'm parking in a fenced in area that'll be closed from 6pm-6am so at night it'll be locked up but not during the day. I also need food and don't know if the place I'm staying has a fridge. I hope I do good. I hope I learn something. I hope I understand everything. I don't want to be over my head nor do I want to not get time in the editing room. pray for me :)

no one else?

lonely? heart broken? misunderstood? denied? let go of? good-byed? withdrawn?||||| understood? embraced? helped? cherished? despised? loved? hated? manipulated? trusted? freed? tied down? leashed? unleashed? outgoing? demanding? overlooked? overheard? looked down on? looked up to? fight? flight? are we? are you? am I? do we? do you? do I? today? tomorrow? never? always? thanked? neglected? abused? pampered? silly? serious? angry? happy? to many questions? why? how? what? when? yes? no? maybe? making sense? nonsensicle? flowing? resisting? viscocity? friction? underrated? overrated? reconciliation. forgiveness. bitterness. hatred. indifference. love. mercy. understanding. helpfullness. laziness. racism. liberality.acceptance. freedom. slavery. bondage. under. over. above. beyond. given. taken. allowed. prohibited. sometimes. occasionally. never. always. too much. too little. way too many. far too few. money. poverty. power. fraility. flowers. thorns. weeds. trees. grass. sun. moon. stars. boring. exciting. let down? disappointed? elated? overjoyed? underwhelmed?
Many have given us words of wisdom and gone to lead a life contrary to their own words. Many have lived out wisdom and not said a word. Some have given their life for nothing. Others have given their life for something. No matter what happens things continue in their course alotted to them in the begining. Our lives have meaning and our thoughts have worth. Value is intrinsic in our existence. Life is not in vain and nor are we lost without hope. We all know that we know that we feel and know that our feelings have importance to us and we all hope others feel too. One does not wonder whether they "are", we take one day at a time whether or not we believe we do. It's not news to say "today". we are all here, we are all here, we cannot be not here. Eternity is opened up to our finite eyes when someone we know dies. We get a glimpse of the depth of the true existence that God has made. We know.
Someone will always have something missing, someone will always have pain, joy, sorrow, elation, hunger, depression, wealth, etc. . So many things in this life, so many ways, so many thoughts, so many lives, so many haunts, so many loves, so many tastes. Even feeling alone is common.





Hope shines so brightly against such truth. Mercy is truely greater than justice.

for the fist time, what? oh I get it. yeah.

for the first ime, recently I've been having clear visions of what I would like to see in a music video or a movie. I guess thats what directors do but it really is making sense to me on little things. Like on how people would stand and what they would do and the motion of the camera, etc. . I just hope I am actually understanding it and not just making it up because I'm excited to go to the NYFA and live in manhatten alone in an apartment, FOR FREE!!!
And now some thoughts.................................
It's so amazing how peaceful the peace of God is. How freeing and how you don't mistake the look in the eyes of someone who walks and talks with God enjoying a comunion with his/her creator, and how music can really bring us so close to what eternity is gonna be like. The songs and melodies of heaven break through into our life in so many ways. The breeze of a hot summer night, the sound of water running over rocks on it's way to the mother of waters, the ocean. The song of a testimony of a broken man yeilding to God for the first time and the beauty of the simplicty of his words and tears. The laughter of a child content with either of his parents' arms. The forever pounding of the waves on the shores of every peace of dry land is the song of creation worshiping God the Creator as they move and wash the planet with His creations. The elation of a bride and groom as their eyes meet for the first time while she walks down the aisle, crying out the ultimate in consumation yet to be had by our Groom the Lamb of God, the Holy One and HIs Bride, Us. What beauty, what brilliance, what unbelievable inteligence, what caring,what overwhelming Glory and we may never fully know why but does that even matter? How can we even stand in the face of such love? What can possibly be said to The One Who Loves us in ways that cannot be contained by our entire universe, oh that I may be worthy to look upon Him in His Glory. let us not look behind to learn, let not look to our past for meaning, let us not know any other God but God, Yahweh, hallowed be His Name forevermore. What have we gained in this life that will not be burned? what wealth could possibly matter? what possible idea could ever begin to fathom His Majesty? What story could possibly beat history?! What can we do to know more about our existance than what He has given us already in His word? never let anyone tell you this is not real. Never let them make you think that this is all made up. Who could concieve of such a story that the Creator became his creation to take His own punishment for his creation, just so He can have fellowship with it again? we stand alone in the universe as God's sons and daughters, to know HIm, to Love Him, to obey Him, live in HIm, that He would live in us, to love us, to know us, to save us. With that said, can I get an amen?

I find

I find when I listen to music I feel inspired to reflect, muse, look inside myself and ponder. a single word can send me off as if the word looked back at me knowing exactly what I'm thinking or knowining exactly what I need to think about.
"interlude" I hope this is an interlude, I hope one day this weight, this "big round ball of death inside" goes away and I "wake up and realize I'm not sad anymore". Woo-boy I hope that day comes soon!!!!!!!!!There is a quality about sin that is deceiving, mabey thats not news but it is when you experience it. Sin sticks to you and covers your mind and eyes, it feels warm at first but that's only because it's the road to hell and the heat travels far up the road. It also feels warm because at the same time it sticks to you it tells you that "it's ok, there is nothing to worry about, you're fine, you're safe, just stay where you are, keep doing what you do, that's the way it is, that's life, stay, lay down and take it easy you don't have anything to worry about, I'm here to keep you warm and toasty".
Sin only takes away. It has no capacity to give. It's very presence decays. All of creation groans. I groan! The decieving nature of our heart coupled with sin and the devil and his genius, is stagering. Look at suicide bombers, the epitome of deception. One can come to the conclusion that murdering one's self and many others is the right thing to do. How utterly backwards! Yet there are those that beleive that there is no difference between good and bad and that being "nothing" is theanswer to life, how meaningless. And now the ultimate in nonsense: the belief that there is no absolutes. Funny we get told to be tolerant of other people's beliefs, and to believe that one religion is the correct one is being narrow minded. How preposterously blind and STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I am to have a faith in a religion and beleive in it and at the same time NOT believe that my religion is THE way then what is the point of having faith of any kind at all???????? But here is where the true genius and utter irony of this deception lies. I MUST BELIEVE that there is not one right religion or belief and be open minded to other people's religions. Ironic that I HAVE to look at the world in that ONE WAY. And that makes me open-minded?
I guess all I'm saying is that we can not do anything on our own, even think. Never underestimate the power of the dark side:) I feel like I should read Romans 8 right now.
Take this to heart