Happy Turkey day

Happy Thanksgiving!! Bert and I finished the song and I think it sounds pretty good. I can email it to whoever wants hear it.

many such things are said thus forth.

Man, I love this time of year!!! O love the cold, I love the mood it puts me in. It is such a melancholy time, yet has such joy as Christmas appraoches. I LOVE CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!! It so happy and fun, full of love and fun, did I mention fun? So many good memories and good times and good food and good friends and good sweets and good movies. I know Thanksgiving is this Thursday but I'm all ready for Christmas time. I watched Elf tonight, I love it, it's sooo funny!
I just spent the last night out all night. It was a youth group event that started at 7pm and ended at 7am. It was a blast! We played laser tag, climbed a fake rock wall, played arcade games, then went bowling, then back to the church where we started, to play video games or watch a movie or play on the inflatable jousting or sumo suit wrestling, good times. The kids in my van were a blast! We sang like every rock song we could think of that we knew the words to. We sang Pink Floyd, Queen, U2, and more that I can't remember. We sang Bohemian rapsody IN IT'S ENTIRETY even with all the guitar parts, head banging, etc, it was awesome!!! I got to know some new kids too which was cool. I haven't had that much fun in a long time, I needed it.
I really wish I knew what I should do next. I'm so sick of working at a grocery store. I had a blast recording "June"" with Burt,( I know, I spelled it the way I wanted) even though the guy at the studio backed out at the last minute. We recorded at Burt's apartment instead. That experience reminded me that I don't like customer service and much rather play music the rest of my life. I just feel like my talent and gifting is just wasted at the store. I bag fucking groceries ALL DAY. I do a lot of other things too, but I'm just so bored with bagging. It's like lifting 3 pounds when you could lift 100. It is so nothing. "I want more...and I know I shouldn't", thats from star wars, I started the sentence then laughed to myself because it sounded like Annakin.
I feel so stupid. More and more friends are getting married, I went to a reception today. I still live at home in a room that I don't keep clean, I collect Star Wars toys, I'm a dork, I only ever talk about actually being in a band or making videos but don't have a band or own a camera of any sort. I am a big noise, scary and intimidating but nothing happens. It's all just wind blowing in the pine trees, it sounds like it's blowing hard but in fact it's just a breeze and only sounds hard. So much for flying a kite. Man, that sounds cheesy. And rather drab, but it is in fact how I feel often. I'm still happy for the season, though.
My point was that I don't feel like I can even think about marrage when I have nothing to offer anyone. I don't make enough to support myself let alone a wife. I don't have an inkling of a career option so there is no security or stability in my life. My own stability is my family and I know that no one would be attracted to that. I guess I could go on as to why I think no one would be interested in me right now. I just know that I haven't much to offer a girl if one were to be interested. I want to though!! Regardless of what I may think my situation is as far as giving, there aren't many girls here anyway. Not many christian ones anyway, its like a wasteland. They're either married, engaged or have a serious boyfriend. Maybe I should stop complaining. sorry. I've been saying I'm not really looking but I guess I am, I have noticed all these "reasons" without looking, haven't I? One thing is for sure, no one is attracted to someone who complains about their life, or whines about being single, like me. God knows, thats all that matters. Wherever you are, wife, I can't wait!! But will have to.

rollercoaster

Man, when you let God do things in your life and seek him, things do happen!! Everything just seems more positive. I think they call that feeling "hope", I almost forgot what it was like. A new day opens up in my heart and life has a little more light in it.
Ironically, I feel that I may have overstepped a line in a friendship and feel a little nervous about what comes next. Please pray for wisdom. It seems what I think I want, I don't, and now it most deffinetely is not the thing that'll make me happy. God's timing and guidance is truly the only way to go. My dilema is a little funny/strange. I started having a little crush on a girl at work who seemed to reciprocate the same. I find out inadvertently from her talking to someone else that she has a boyfriend and he happens to be a friend I haven't seen in a while. He was in jail and came back to the Lord ( only breifly, it seems). He really likes her and wants to be serious, based on his blog and song about her. He just got a DUI and arrested again, breaking his parole, therefore jail time is almost garunteed! He just tried to kill himself this week and has her all kinds of stressed and questioning her comitment, (don't blame her). She's told me bassically she doesn't know if she's gonna wait while he's in jail. She has invited me to a couple things without him, thankfully I've had to work. I am afraid that she will dump him for me, and I DON'T WANT THAT!!. For one, he is someone I want to minister to and she is a bit too young. A funny thing through this stress in her life is that I have been talking to her about God and giving her Christian music, etc. . So there is potetial for good and bad here. I WANT GOOD. I want him and her, sepperately, to come to God in a new way, for their sakes. I prayed for him a lot while he was in jail and to see him all down again is hard. He is my priority, not her, so I must draw a clear line for her. And this"crush" is only that and nothing that will materialize to more, she's just cute, smart and cool. She goes to a church but it doesn't seem serious to her.
But I still feel a good thing coming my way, unrelated to this friend thing, I am having song ideas, I can feel the juices flowing again, just a bit. I must yield to God everything in my heart and mind. He must be the one singing and writing, nothing else must be, or it becomes nothing else. To sing of his glory is my call and to make a joyful noise to bless my brothers and sisters in glorifying the Lord. What comes next only He knows, I must be ready and submit to Him.

It's not over yet!!!!

A good conversation goes a long way. Its nice to know someone who understands how singleness can feel at our age.
Thanks Good Friend!!

Believe you me

Man, I love Eden's Bridge!! They take me far away yet keep me grounded in reality. I think someone is praying for me because I have been having a clarity of thought and feeling a shaft of light in my dark soul as of late. I am reminded and renewed of the Truth of God and the Lord Jesus Christ. I have always had the knowledge that God is real and His way is the right way even when I just don't care or feel any sense of his presence ro love. It's like bedrock, I know there is a loving God who came down to Earth as Jesus Christ 2000 years ago. I know he made everything and knows everything and is everywhere all at once. The thing that must be a learned/experienced thing is the knowledge of his personal love for me individually. I must ask and seek and believe when I do. I must push past the prevelent lie of western civilization that there aren't things that exist that I cannot see with my eyes.
He is the invisible God. To the unbelieving that sounds like a copp-out but thats because they assume and believe there is no God; therefore THERE IS NO GOD. They believe that believing something can make that thing true, meaning real. Therefore if you don't believe something it CANNOT exist. It is truly sad. Many live life this way, or at least look at life that way. There life and actions reveal what they really believe.

I just had an epiphany!! Or a big thought anyway. Is it possible that the reason the western chruch is becoming more powerless and irelevant is because we are "doing" the "things" believers "do", but only because we think we know what we "should do" and "do" them?
God works in and through people whose faith is real and alive. I'm sure that won't be contested, scripture is full of examples and many are alive today that anyone would say God works through them mightily. It is also clear in the Word that faith is a big component in God's working in our lives. SO...is it possible that there are a LOT of Christians that "believe" in Him as the world defines the word, meaning that they have "faith" but only as a way to conivince themselves that God is real, rather than actually believing He is and praying in actual belief. They experience good feelings and emotions at church and have good times with friends, cry at worship services,etc. read the Bible and study it, maybe even had an"experience" that they can point to as a God thing. But in there lives they treat their family bad, hold grudges, gossip, lie, cheat, steal when no one is looking and in there hearts they put all these things in a place called "thats just how I am".
Their real actions, meaning the ones they do when around their family and/or alone, or at work, around non-believing friends reveal what they truly believe. This may not seem so profound on an individual level, but my "ah-ha" is not this, but rather the effect of this on the large scale.
Most of us believers get told our whole lives to live as examples, spread the gospel, be a witness, etc. . Those are "things a true believer does". We try to do them and try and try and feel guilty when we don't . Then we get together at big rallys to get pumped up and "encouraged" ( always a good thing) to live the life, walk the walk, talk the talk, blah, blah, blah, witness, witness, be a missionary, go, go go, go!!!!!!!!!! The statistics come out and so do the guilt trips, all for a good cause mind you, I'm not saying those things are bad. The real selling point they use are the statistics, the numbers. They are startling and sobering and rightly so. Hence my epiphany...
If the church is still active and being "radical for christ", "etreme for Jesus", holding HUGE coventions, selling millions in books, music and televised sermons, why is the church being more changed BY the world instead of the WORLD by the church? Why are people running from the church? Why is Christianity the ONLY religion its politically correct to slam and suppress? Why is it that the Bible is a joke to so many "intelectuals"? Why isn't the Holy Spirit convicting men/women of sin and bringing them to their knees everywhere with all the "noise" we make about how powerful He is? Why do we hear " oh, I tried that God thing,and it wasn't for me"? Why are brothers and sisters walking away from the One true God, the only One Who loves them unconditionally?!!!!!!?????
Could it be that we are doing the actions to SHOW that we believe, when we don't really believe? If we truly believe and have faith then why this reversal of influence? Mustard Seed, must remember, Mustard Seed!! Those good things and actions WILL HAPPEN when we truly believe and walk in the REALITY of life in God!!! Our actions should come from the outpouring of our faith through the Holy Spirit, pouring the Water of Life to the world, as promised!! Not because we are "supposed to" or because "thats what a true beliver does". It just seems to me that too many "christians" do the christian things they see TRUE believers doing and think that if they do them too, that they are true believers too. So the motivation and approach is all backwards, hence the lack of power from the Holy Spirit. It's hollow. Like wearing a flight jacket and telling people you're a pilot, because your wearing a flight jacket. You put on the jacket thinking that wearing it makes you a pilot because pilots wear them. You don't do to be, you be to do!!!!! And maybe the lack of power is because we're all just doing and not being, therefore not having the faith for God to really move? (NOT AT ALL saying He is dependent on us for Him to move or for anything else for that matter). Its all so rediculous, scary and sad. I wonder how much the Enemy has infected our thought process regarding belief.
Oh, Lord grant us repentence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Idletry

Sitting here listening to some music I.ve not listened to in years brought back memories and emotion from that time in my life. I remembered the hope and desires of being in a band and or doing something in music where I would be elated to take the stage every night and perform my heart out. It made me see my life now with the eyes I had then. Idleness, is what I saw. I saw a man who was sitting on talent and pathos that could benefit mankind, and he was just sitting, doing nothing. All his energy and passion for music he had squelched with the ever smothering "idletry", the worship of being comfortable and idle. It was rather shocking and disappointing, I would yell at myself if I had seen this coming back then. What a jolt of realization.
Just the few seconds of the song and the singer's voice brought back the dream i had then and the passion for it. Looking at the passion of then and combining it with the passion God had given me for Himself, mixed with all the things I've learned of life these 26 years one would hope I could do good. I pray that that will be brought about by Him indeed. Nothing is sating me, nothing I want satisfies me, nothing I have gives me any drive or passion. It must come from the Lord! This whole thing is really showing me the emptiness that non-believers must feel. It always seems that when confronted with the emptiness they turn to anger or indifference, but ironically I know that they do care and are scared. Thank You Lord for this. Letting me see the fading glory that the world has(n't). My life is not over. My life is not my job. My life is not how feel right now. My life is not comfort. My life is in you Lord, you alone and no one or nothing else. Praise Be To You, oh God!! You truley are the One.

it's like I'm living a dream

it's like I'm living a dream. I look so lowly on my job and those who work with me. I don't think very highly of my job. Its important but not very complicated. I don't get paid very much and I'm 26 years old, it really is time for me to get a life. A career or just something other than work for high school drop outs would be nice. I just feel like such a loser. I know I have potential to be a good musician or music video dude but I have no idea how to get there. I see it in my mind, I feel it'll happen one day but when, WHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really am so damn lazy. It's killing me, literally: the more I don't do, the more goes by me, the more time goes by while I am idle, the more my life passes by and approachs the end. So what is it that God wants? Or what is it that I am not doing, right?
So tonight as I was walking to my car I got all excited for the opportunity I have coming up. My dad has gotten studio time for my friend Bert and I to record a cover song, mainly so he can learn the studio mixing board. I have been practicing the song a lot because I'm going to play guitar, bass and drums, as well as sing. So I'm looking forward to it. In my mind I want to have the studio guy to be impressed by me and ask me to work for him, so I wouldn't have to work at the store and actually have a job closer to what I want. But really I don't think that'll happen and its not realistic. Its just a dream, a thought, a childhood desire and way of looking at stuff like this.
So walking to my car I felt above my co-workers and job because I can play music and maybe make a living on it. The emotion was smug and stupid, like I was famous or something. I was acting like I was really in one of my dreams. For about 5 minutes...alone. It just made me feel stupid and old. Oh well.
I saw the David Crowder Band last night, it was really enjoyable. I only knew 2 of his songs goin in to the show, but it was great. I'm a fan now.

whoa!

man, I am so selfish. It says a lot about me when my biggest "idol", Bono cares more about those hurting and suffering in other countries than I do. I have looked "up" to U2 since I was 11 and still, they rock my world. Bono uses his fame and influence to influence world leaders to take action against poverty, aids, hunger, third world debt, etc. I am startled at my apparent lack of compassion all of a sudden. My life is made up of work, sleep, music, beer, movies, internet, sleep, work, etc. I have dreams and desires for a future in the music or movie industry, with a possible ministry but it's all becoming terrifingly out of my reach. I have always feared doing nothing with my life and now I feel a bit like it has been "nothing" that has dominated my mind, heart, thoughts, life. Oh boy am I scared!!! This is a snap decision blog, I'm sure my fear will subside, but woooo boy is it a jolt of adrenaline

one less day.

so today i'm a year older than I was a year ago today. I'm a big 26 and as odd as it sounds, I feel like that 26 is younger than 25. My fam surprised me last night with cake and gifts. i thought it would be tonight, but it was last night.
I feel good today, I really didn't do anything special except have a couple beers with a friend. Funny, I went to clean his apartment because I'm watching his cats and apt, and I knew he was coming back from the Europe tour this week but I didn't know when, but it was today. So I had an impromptu "party". I cleaned while we listened to music and had some beers. It was kind of wierd how he was hanging out and I was vacuuming and mopping the bathroom, etc. . But hey, he was there so it made it cool for me to hang out with a friend, one of the few I have around here. His girlfriend said something realy funny today. He told her it was my birthday and she said "oh. Now you have one less day", I thought that was hilarious!!!!
I was invited to a couple parties this past weekend and didn't go. There was a big one up in Boston that would have been really cool, and another one in the next town. Mainly, I didn't go beacause I was house sitting and I wanted to be around the house as much as possible because I got paid almost a weeks pay to do that. The other reason was that I didn't want to put myself in an extremely tempting situation. I think it was God that protected me a few ways. The first party, the big one, is all the way in Boston, thats 2 hours a way, and I would have to be back in the morning to play bass at church. The second one was put on by one of the cashiers at work, she is 16 and there would drinking there. She said her parents were putting it together and her big brothers would be there. Three things kept me from going. 1: under age drinking, and I am of age so if the police came I'm S.O.L. . 2: I think she likes me, and would be drunk, therefore I avoided any possible situation where she could try anything..."bad". 3: she would have been the only one there that I knew, making it very awkward. So all in all I done good by not going. I did, however go see The Shining at a movie house/cafe on saturday, which was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, it has been a while since I blogged. I just haven't felt like typing anything. I've been trying to stay off the computer, as i was getting addicted to it. I try to do other things. I think I've changed a bit recently. Living alone for a week can do things to you, not bad necessarily, just things. Watching TV for a whole week can deffinetly do stuff too. It messes with your head, it changes your values and thoughts, and sense of humor. It makes you look at life differently. Suddenly the world looks a bit more exciting and smaller.
I love the Dave Chappelle show!!! It is so hilarious!!!! It is so racist it just pushes the limits of taboo. I heard a comic once talk about their irreverence and explained it. They said that "you have to look at everything as if nothing is sacred and everything is fair game. If you start drawing lines around things and not picking on some things and other things you go all out on, it begs the question 'why not those things' and you start to look mean and hipocritical instead of funny." I may not agree with doing that, but I do like the way they look at comedy. It does make sense and it helps me understand comics a little more. You really have to have no sense of morality or value to look at life like that, but hey, it makes me laugh.
Thanks again for the birthday wishes!!