Mr. Reflector strikes again.

going with the stream, nothing happens, moving in ahy other direction than the way of things causes friction, resistance, backlash. there most deffinetely is a devil and he most deffinetely does not want any of us to do any of the good prepared for us. nothing moving in any direction is his angle. he's a smart one, the smartest at deceiving, better than anyone that has ever lived because he has been around for everyone who has ever lived. he makes things in life add up and keep adding just so we are distrcted by life and stress. all he wants is us to focus on life and not God. all he cares is that we use up our mind and heart and emotional energy on the things here and not on those above.

my day SUCKED!!!!!! it was the worst day in a loong time. just non-stop, go, go ,go ,go, Jason this, jason that, fix this fix that, train her/him, get this, deal with this customer, give a refund, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ifuckinghatedit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But alas it is over. Praise be to the Lord on High!!!

many things have creeped back into my life over the years since bible school. loves, hates, reationships, longings, music, friends, work stress, work frustration, man this the life!. of all the things in my life they all have a place, or at least they have all had a place. just call me Mr. Reflector. time to sleep.

until then

"welcome, my son, to the machine." Man, what a scary thought. It seems so desparing and dark. But yet in a lot of ways there are a lot of things in life that work and happen just like a machine. The compartmentalizing of our lives into different activities at different times, the numbering of our employees and accounts. The work week is like clock work for most jobs, paychecks the same. The way buisness can completely remove the human factor in the decisions boards make. How cold, how obscene, how unlike God made it originally. Man has a huge capacity to de-humanize, even in a time when "we" are trying to humanize everything!!
Just thinking about some Pink Floyd lyrics.

Not much to say, maybe more tomorrow

What dreams may come?

Oh, how the Lord renews and restores the lives of his children. Many times the Lord has restored my heart mind and soul, always needed and always good.
Time again for renewal and understanding has come. My heart has been hardened with shame, guilt and indifference. My mind has been filled and duped with junk not of God. I must be smarter than the world's ways and lies. I must honor the Lord with all things in my life, not just my time. I must honor those around me, my friends, my famiily, my coworkers. I am a dishonorable person in a lot of my life. I have been shamed by my own foolishness, and it has been wiped away by the Blood of the Lamb. I am perfect in God's sight, though not in the flesh. What great mystries we have been granted to us!!
Great is the Lord and mighty is His Name.
I have wasted so much of my life............
So much has been thrown out for imediate pleasure.............
so little have I given to the good of others in comparison to what I know I could have given.........

I must apologize to those of you I have offended, sinned against, dishonored, wronged, hurt. I cannot claim ignorance nor unintention, I am responsible, and I am sorry. My heart grieves for those offenses...

And now, I will request prayer for growth and healing, I am a broken man reaching for completeness. An arogant SOB with a wounded heart for the Lord. Thank You for the prayers already prayed and the ones that may come.

ON another note, I have been requested to perform some of my own music for a "walk for life" thing in Oct. I'm siked!!!

naked face

I am now 19 again. Or at least Iook it again. My sister said, with a surprised tone, that I am cute. It was rather funny to me, she seemed actually surprised.

I have cut my hair short and have no beard anymore. I have a little stubble of hair right above my chin, that little hitler spot. And sideburns. We'll see what happens at work...
I feel really good about it too, it's nice to feel good.

good news

"God sees us better than we are." Russ Hadley

I'm so glad pastors remind of us of these things. I needed to be reminded that God sees us through Christ.

taste is not to be beheld by another

staying up late can be bad for your health. listening to Pink Floyd is good for you. I've been listeningt o a lot of the music I used to listen to and remembering why I liked it in the first place. I remember so much more about my past, good stuff and bad. I fear this is a bad sign, wanting to listen to it all the time now. I fear backwards is the way I'm headed. It sure seems that way. Funny, I feel this way now, at a time when I could be making some big changes in moving forward. odd.
I plan on cutting my hair off this week. Short, not off. I'm all nervous and excited. There are a lot of people who know me now at work who have never seen me without my beard or long hair. I guess my Jesus look-alike days are coming to an end. Hopefully it's just an external thing. Man, I can't wait for this life to be over. Although there are a great many things I really want to hold onto. A lot of awesome music and movies. Well, I won't remember any of it anyway so it won't matter. "the old things will be forgotten".
"take time in a day to think about what we're doing here and ask why"
" look at life itself and thank the Lord for His amazing mind"
"hold your loved ones, tell them you love them. don't let go for anything, they are your family, no matter who they are"
"waste the hours in a good way, don't waste them for granted."
"look up, look out, look down, look around, look in , take it in, this is it, one time. "
" don't wake to sleep, sleep to wake"
" arise to shine on them who cannot rise"

who cares?

all of a sudden I got really inspired, or rather my heart was moved a great deal. go to one.org . I wear the white braclet now. It's a petition to get governments to forgive third-world debt and fight AIDS.

I wish I cared more about a lot of things. Indifference is so powerful. God revealed to me at bible school that indiffernce is one of the N. American churches biggest sin and problems. Well I guess you can count me in. Indifference takes no effort and feels comfortable, it's convenient and doesn't disturb your neighbors. How American. It always seems that God doesn't take kindly to people who just don't care about what happens.
Now there are things that really don't require an opinion or concern, but the things that probably should pique our interest are generally the things that get shrugged off. Other people's well being, being disiplined, our own well-being, giving honor and glory to God when it's actually due, etc. . Well, ironically, my indifference is starting to bother me. How funny.

I wished I cared a lot more about things..........................again.

what things have taken me far?

I had a good night at youth group. seems like when I want to decide not to do something I find myself liking it more than I ever had. Man, I'm actually in a good mood. Well, I think i just feel good about myself right now. Like, I'm good at something after all!!
God has a strange way of reaching people that aren't reaching fo him. I want to want to give him everything but it's always half-assed. I'm such a half-asser. lol that sounds so funny, I coined a phrase. But I only half-ass things in my life, not so much at work. It seems the only place where I find any knind of satisfaction and "joy" is at work where I am good at my job. I wish it were someting a little more important than a grocery store. It is a good place to work, I am just tired of it and it doesn't pay that much. My main concern right now is to get some kind of financial stability where I don't have to worry about paying bills. Plus with some kind of stability I think I would be in a better situation to marry. Not that that is a chance any time soon, by the looks of it. I suck................sometimes.

Time seeems to be slowing down. which is good. let's see how long it lasts

the last minute blog of the day

it's funny, I have a lot on my mind but I don't have anyhting to say. A lot to think about these days, life and future and stuff...
what to do after I quit my job. What will I be when I grow up? Thigs have a way of happening in my life, we'll see.

talk to me.....

so I got msn messenger now so I can talk in real time. I don't completely know how to use it, but I think I get most of it. those of you with more knowledge of it please feel free to fill me in on the details.
I put some emails of people on it on it says there not online (that much i understand...) but who of you has it and doesn't, not that I'll always use it and bug you. But if a conversation is something we want to have, so be it.

feeling a little better today. I've been training someone the past two days so work has been pretty easy. She knows what she's doing, hence the ease.
It is staring to really set in and bother me that i really don't have much of a social life. well at least no group of christian friends my own age. I had such a good time seeing you all, I really needed it, I felt myself again...briefly. I need to hang out more often instead of coming home and watching a movie or going online. It doesn't generally promote creativity or righteousness in any large amount.
I've been listening to a lot a music recently and wanting to play more, but I have no motivation to play, I'm in a creative dry spot AGAIN!! I hate it it is so depressing. All I do whenever I pick up my guitar, which is almost never, is play my old songs, which isn't bad but it's just boring. AND have you ever noticed that when your feeling romantically lonely you notice evry song that talks about it? Tonight on the way home this Police song was on and the chorus was "I'm lonely, so lonely" !! It was really rocking and catchy so I cranked it, then I caught what they were saying and i laughed outloud. You know one of those "frustrated, knowing" laughs? It was priceless. But of course.....no one was around to hear it. ...............ironic, huh? :)
This is probably one of my most normal blogs, where I'm actually telling it how it is and not just reflecting and tyyping my deep thoughts and feelings. It's just right there with no bells and whistles. oh well. enough for now

the only one who knows is the One Who Knows

how is it that passion and desire can be overwhelming at times that they seem to almost burst out of your chest? How is it, that, with that intensity and excitment they can be overshot by mere mediocrity and complacency? How is it I can have dreams and wishes so strong that I cannot imagine a life without them and to have them as yet not even close to realization? how come I can't have what I want? how come this whole aging thing is so subtle and escapes notice? how is it that no one can come and make these things materialize? has music lost it's power? has passion and eagerness vanished? have I lost my mind or am I seeing things as they are? are there too many questions in the world that i just blend in with them all and am just noise along with the rest? can it be that all of my dreams and wishes for life are just echoes of other peoples' from generations past. There truely is nothing new under the sun. wait a little longer and you will see someone with the same desires.
rant and rave I do. complain I do, care I do, live I do, love I do, mabey next time around.........there won't be a next time, this is it. I have heard it said "seize the day" I've always wondered how. is it a conscious thing? or a state? "Make the most of life", how? "smell the flowers" I know I can do that, I've been doing that too much.
"prepare yourself for service" was said to me by an older brother in christ. I asked him what does that mean? What do I do to preapare myself, on a daily basis going to work, school, home, what things do i do? He had no answer. It was a phrase he said a lot but never really carried it out to it's logical, practical application. The sentiment was understood and appreciated but the end was still disillusionment.
The irony is that a lot of my loony thoughts and feelings have a simple answer but I seem to like to wallow. I am a fool sometimes. How many people does it take for foolishness to become wise and ok? (that's a scary question!!) I like asking questions about everything i can, so don't be frightened by them. Without quetions we would be animals.
When thoughts arrive I express them. I really like this whole medium.

the sun.

sunshine doesn't seem to last in my life. it all gets cloudy and gray. the thing is I like gray, it seems to go with everything. not in life though. gray is lukewarm isn't it? well I'm lukewarm and rather comfortable. I choose the easy way, the feel-good way the "my own way" way. can't tell what's next for me.
I don't want to be involved with church stuff anymore. I don't feel I can be involved with a clear conscience. it's no more about the Lord, just doing it so no one asks questions. scary,huh? well too bad, thats the way it is. I really don't want to do anything, my life is so bland that bland is the only flavor I can taste anymore. which washes out the memory of any other flavor, therefore making the others not exist. get it? well I've run and run after the sun but it's sinking. it's racing around to come up behind me again. The sun is the same, inthe relative way, but I'm older. Shorter of breath and on day closer to death. thank you Pink Floyd.
No song has hit me recently quite like "time" by Pink Floyd.

I have a damn cold. Sniffling, sore throat, runny nose from hell!!! I hate being sick, I'm no good to anyone.
I get really dark and complain a lot. Forgive me Lord.

Some days are better than others.

today's special

sometimes I just want to blog something to get comments. I'm a comment fiend! I don't really have much to say really. I got the pictures from mike's camera off his smugmug site, it's linked off of david's if anyone's interested.
I cleaned my buddy's apartment tonight. he's coming back tommorow. I'm really connecting to his cats, they're awsome!
Uh........so what do you look forward to? in life? on a day to day basis? what makes you smile? what things move you the most? digestively and emotionally....?
a'blee, a'blee, a'blee, that's all folks.
by the way the band The Presidents of the United States of America is one one the funniest, rockin bands ever. They are AWSOME!!!!!!

new phone. what a blessing?????????????

so I'm a little bummed. I got a new phone today, it's cool, it has a camera on it and it's all black and shiny. The thing is I upgraded my plan and I LOST MY FREE CALLING TO CANADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so sad about it. It's an extra $14 a month to get it but then it's only 450 minutes, and before it was unlimited for free. I only asked about it AFTER we had finished doing the upgrade. I'm such an idiot, too. I could have just bought a new phone and had him change the vin number, keeping my old plan! So ends a period in my life. without my knowledge I completely cut off my friends from the free talking. It's not like I won't call Canada again, but I rather enjoyed the long conversations, free of guilt and debt. I''m so pissed off and sad about it. But the camera is cool. My home plan is better, the whole US is my home area, no roaming anywhere. Thats cool I guess, but not when most of your closest friends aren't in the US! I guess I'll have to just rely on the internet and good 'ol blogging.

it's waking the sense of soul longing

whenever i get inside my head for too long I lose the capacity to hear. not audibly but internally, spiritualy. I just want and want and think and think and get myself into a tizzy about what it is I'm thinking about. the companion thing is one of those deals. mabey I'm not as bad as I might sound and mabey I'm not as depressed as I think I am. all in all I am still lonely, but like you said Leslie, I should make the Lord my focus.....again. It seems I have taken too much of an interest in the things I want and not the things of the Spirit.
I have to once again set my mind on things above and not the things of the flesh. Man, the whole walking with God thing is always simple but rarely easy. Ozzy Chambers says that the "setting" of the mind is our responsibility and as soon as we do God does the changing of it, or at least that's what i recall he says.....from memory. The idea is all there but I can't type it out quite right. Geez, things are way better when you focus on God.
Hey, thanks for those of you who have prayed for me in the past and present! "Good on ya!" :) (That expresion has always been so funny to me, it cracks me up every time I say it. It sounds so arrogant or something. Like I'm the holder and master of "good" so when I feel someone does something right or good I bestow my good on them. So I really only say it with my tongue firmly placed against my cheek.) But I really am emensly greatful for the prayers, I have needed them.
Mabey I will be fine after all.

How Low Can You Go?

man I need a wife! I'm tired of liking people and then having nothing to show for it!!!!!!!!!! I have a lot of love for certain people and I want to love them. but oh no, not in my time, not no way , not no how. Geez!
I am truely amazed at David! He is an amazing guy, I'm so glad for Brittanie! Mike and Chris are awesome friends to him. I had a blast haging out with them. Denver Lips!!!!! Unfortunate Lips!!! The song will happen.
I'm sure for single people at a wedding it's normal to feel lonely and desire marriage for themselves, but holy shit, does it totally NOT matter to me AT ALL if it's normal.............. it really hurts. Being a guy friend of a bride is probably one of the most interesting things I've ever done. I'm sure it won't be the last time as I have many female friends but this was the first one where I hadn't met the groom prior to the wedding.
Me being me, I sometimes turn things on myself as a reflection of my faults. Not having someone like me for me turns into me being too weird for anyone to like. It drives me to depression, funny how wild a ride my emotions can have sometimes.It is pretty scary that I actually am going to let someone else read that. I just don't care right now. I feel stupid, I feel like i will never have anyone , I will be a whining, long haired, fucking loser until I die, thats how low I feel right now. deep down I know that God will bring me to a place of contentment in Him someday. I just am aching right now....
So ironic is my honesty. My desire to be honest and let people see through me in order to bring trust and understanding has turned on me many times before. When someone has an interest, they are turned off by knowing too much of my feelings. it's like they see stuff they don't like in me and run. I have only known one girl who has listened to my heart and not fled from interest in me, but the Lord had other plans for her life. Marriage. Some years later I still will never forget the overwhelming joy of realizing her concern and understanding and interest in what i had to say. It's funny, I have a hard time beleiving that there is actually someone else out here that might do the same but be my wife after all that.

man I'm just a fucking nut job,huh? well, Jesus loves me anyway, he made me who I am and someday someone will see me for me and love me for me and i her.

I'm not the same as I was, this trip changed me. My life looks different to me now, not just the bad stuff. The good in my life shines with a fresh brightness that brings great tears of joy. I LOVE MY FAMILY!!! No one will ever come close to my love for my family, God has blessed us greatly. when I have no one i have them, they for me and i for them. I'm so glad I saw Holly today, damn I miss her, and it will only be more the longer she's there. God is Good.

time, the dark side of life.

ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
you fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
waiting for someone or something to show you the way

tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
and then one day you find ten years have got behind you
no one told you when to run, you missed trhe starting gun

AND YOU RUN AND YOU RUN TO CATCH UP WITH THE SUN,
BUT IT' S SINKING
AND RACING AROUND TO COME UP BEHIND YOU AGAIN
THE SUN IS THE SAME IN THE RELATIVE WAY, BUT YOU'RE OLDER
SHORTER OF BREATH AND ONE DAY CLOSER TO DEATH

every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
the time is gone the song is over, thought I'd have something more to say


-Pink Floyd-
wow, did ever a song fall on a listening heart! funny how great things can stir up bad ones...............